When Will I Ever be Forgiven

Disclaimer: I am venting, ranting. This not to make anyone feel bad. However,  I take no responsibility for hurt feelings.

I am reminded everyday what a shitty mother I was during the time my children were growing up and I am sorry everyday.  I know that I tried really hard to be a good mother, but for some reason I wasn’t good enough for my children to remember ANY good that happened while they were little.

In my brain there is a lapse of memory and I have been informed that the memories my children have are all bad. No sweet Christmases, no family Thanksgivings, no fun family vacations or even the time we fill the gas tank then got lost, driving around for no reason. I guess that is my imagination.

I know that I was a MONSTER at times and I seriously have no excuse. Being in an abusive relationship, having PTSD, Depression or any of the stress I had from working 40+ hours a week to provide for my children are not excuses for doing the best I could. I tried. But that is no excuse!!

In the last nine years I became sick, deep depression to the point of attempting suicide 6 times maybe more. That is not an excuse either, but I could not tell why other than that I became that depressed. I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance when I was 15 years old. I have always been on some kind of antidepressant my whole adult life to help me to be function able. That is not an excuse!

As time goes by my children are slowly letting me know exactly how UGLY I was and that their lives were so bad they are dysfunction able. One is a successful student who has intimacy issues, one has anxiety and the other inherited my rage. I’m sure that they all worry that they inherited my CRAZY too. I know for a fact that two are alcoholics like their father and of course the two men that fathered the children are alcoholics and the predisposition for alcoholism is apparent. But that is not an excuse because I am the MONSTER.

I can’t change the past, but that is not an excuse. I guess I have to suffer for being a shitty mother. I guess I haven’t paid my dues for the horrible childhood my kids had. I know this all sounds like “BooHoo me” that is not it.  I have continually been disrespected even after I have tried to be a better mom.

I spent 13months in therapy to become healthy. I am using what I learned everyday to be a better person. No credit for changing! This is not to disrespect my children by any means, I am just stating my feelings. So what do I have to do for them. Or what else?

This is how bad it is:

My husband and I went to visit one of my children. We were only there less than 24hours because my child and their significant other could not hold their alcohol. They got into a fight, I got between them to stop them, my child was trying to hurt themselves, so I slapped them in the face to shock them out of the destructive behavior and they punched me in the face.

Another child continues to promise to help me, we make plans, I look forward to seeing the child then the child avoids me. Won’t answer their phone or text me back so I know that the child is OK. I’m not saying this is one time, it’s been several times over the last year.

Parenting does not have instructions. I know in my heart I did the best I could. I know that I LOVE my children with all my heart. I know that I worked hard to provide a home, food, and all their needs. I know that I made mistakes, but all I did was with LOVE. I know that I don’t know what else I could have done for them.  I know that I am SORRY for ever hurting my children or for my failures as a mother. I am just not sure exactly what I did. That is not an excuse!!!!

I just want basic human respect. Not even parental respect. Just basic HUMAN respect, kindness. Is that so hard?

Jesus!! Mom, I’m praying!

I am tired of trying to get any ANY one’s respect. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I feel as though I am giving respect, love, honor and God knows! OK I know that I have NO control over anyone’s behavior, but it doesn’t change my frustration. It is just sad………..

I am already my own worst enemy, feeling guilty for the horrible things that happened even the ones experienced by my hands. It is heart breaking to be me sometimes. I hate feeling like I didn’t do enough for my kids. I hate feeling guilty for hurting my children or for what my children think I did. FORGIVE ME PLEASE!

How much longer do I need to suffer? This may not bother my children, I don’t know that is sad. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

I’m SORRY! I AM REALLY SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

So my mother has always told me that I have to forgive myself, I worked through that in 13 months of therapy. Without sounding arrogant I have forgiven myself, but being the mother of three children I love deeply and know that there are issues, I am heart broken and I feel guilt. I need to give the responsibility of their problems back to them. I have to feel that I am not responsible for what they are feeling and doing. I know that they are grown-ups and I can’t continue taking responsibility for them. I know that they have to take care of themselves.

That was logical, but loving your children is not so logical. I LOVE YOU AND I AM SORRY!

FORGIVE ME PLEASE!

 

 

 

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