Disclaimer: This may be offensive to some people, so I encourage you to heed the warning.

I am a freak of nature…….At the age of 4 I was diagnosed with a hip disease. To this day I can only pronounce the words not spell it. Leg-Perthese disease. Sounds weird, was weird because statistically 1 in 10 boys get it and only 1 in 100 girls get it. I was/am the proud recipient of the disease. I went through experimental surgery at the tender age of 5 at Shriner’s Hospital in Philadelphia, PA. For 3 months in 1972, June, July and August, I was in a body cast. Truly fun lying in a hospital bed in the dining room of my home, looking like the prize turkey stuffed into a mummy cast. I spent that summer listening to the kids play outside the window.

When the cast came off, they found out I got staff infection. My hip looked like juicy meat covered in white gravy. It was really disgusting. Then I had to be in “Isolation” because the infection had to heal. I was placed in a glass room, 4 walls of windows, sterile smelling, gown wearing, bed-pan using isolation. It was like a scene from some horror movie because most of the other kids looked like zombies and the nurses were mean. Because my family lived 3 hours away, they only came to visit on the weekends and even then sometime it was only 2 times a month.

The staff infection healed, but then I had to learn to walk again, and it seemed like it took forever for me to be able to go home………….

Then life got normal. No problems with my hip, I was able to do most things, walk, run, ride bikes, Normal…..But normal did not last. Welcome in Borderline Personality disorder! Diagnosed at 15 years old with a chemical imbalance and major depression…and self-harm. No one in the family that my mother knew of ever had this disorder……..As for my father, he stated that NO ONE in HIS family is mentally disordered!!!!!!! That was a fun time. More than once did my mother have to pull my dad off me for cursing at him. Being my mouthy self.

There is a pattern to all this! Throughout my life, I have always been “Different,” the odd man out per say. I walked my own path, then because I was trying hard to stay out of trouble, it found me…

I was seeing a guy after I moved back to KC after college. I was a single parent of a beautiful son, had a decent job, and was thinish. Anyway, I decided I was going to try a new contraceptive, over the counter, “Today” contraceptive sponge. The disaster happened a day later after a great night of F%$^&$#. I developed what felt like a flu, but as time ticked by I was getting sicker. I attempted to remove the sponge and it would not come out. I was panicking. I could not reach it, so the genius that I am grabbed a crochet hook and pulled it out. But still sick, vomiting and diarrhea. Feeling light headed, just wanted to sleep and I had a 3 year old son. It started on Friday and by Monday I could barely say my name. My sister came and took me to a clinic, getting me down the stairs, I had to hold on to the rail and bump down on my ass. We get there and I have 106 degree temperature and no blood pressure. I was told that I was taken in an ambulance to the trauma hospital, but I have no memory. I do remember in the ER my mother was with me and I told her that I did not want to be put on any ventilators or any other machine. Yelling at the doctors. That is all I remember until 3 days later when I wake up to a beautiful red headed male nurse saying, “Good morning” sleeping beauty. What put me in the hospital? Toxic-Shock Syndrome: the disease that killed several women after they used “Rely” tampons. Of course, I don’t get a flu, I get a killer. I survived: Freak of Nature!!!!!!!!!

I survived wrapping a car around a telephone pole, the $504.00 bill for the telephone pole, 5 years with a man that gave me two beautiful daughters, but terrorized me and my son. When I strong enough to leave, I ended up with friends, lovers and strangers taking advantage of my kindness. After all that I moved my kids and I North of the River, starting new, new job, new home, new life….No just new drugs, new depression, new abuse. As my children will state, I was the ugly abusive mother, “No wire hangers!!” So yes, I can own up to my problems, my disgraceful behavior; however, I was doing the best job I knew how to do. I was paying all the bills, working, going to every school functions, attending parent-teacher meeting and trying desperately not to crack up under pressure. The demons still came out and sometimes with a vengeance. I know that I wasn’t the best mom, but I know in my heart I love my kids and I did my best. DONE

What could be next? I met my husband in January and by October we were married. Then I lost my mind. Seriously, I was a mess. I had all the symptoms of PreMenapause, Hot Flashes, Night Sweats, unusual periods, and MOOD SWINGS. I thought I was Bi Polar. Nope! At the time I was 44 years old and started truly attempting suicide. I went to the hospital 7 times between 2011 and 2019. Went to therapy, went to group, got new medication….CRAZY!!!! I’m crazy. There is no other way to explain it. I would be doing great and then all of the sudden I felt like I was jumping off a cliff with no bottom. I never did the manic shit, it was always deep sadness.

I am 58 years old, I have stopped using red hair color that matches my nature shade and am attempting to go platinum blonde, only on top, frosted like… I went to my doctor to see what we could do for the hot flashes and night sweats…. Let’s try a LOW dose birth control. OK!!! NO, I am 58 and within the first week of taking the birth control, my old ass got a period, not just any period, it’s a gusher! And of course I asked to pharmacist if the pills would make me have a period and he assured me that only 1 and say 50 to 100 women ever experience a period at “YOUR” age……..F$%^ you!!!! Freak of Nature.

Last November I had to have my Gall Bladder removed, no problem with the surgery, got a clean bill of health, but for some weird reason my pancreas has decided that it wants attention so it gets inflamed. I have now also have to watch what I eat because some times my stomach tell my intestines that it really hated what I ate and then my intestines say send it on down! It is so fun to eat and then have to run to the bathroom to shit peanut butter out my ass. Peanut butter being the consistency of my shit.

Called my Digestive Specialist explained what was happening and he gives me an order to shit in a cup and take it to the lab, fecal sample test. That was a fun time! Got er done, go to the hospital with the “shit” in my purse, take the order to registration. I am told that the order has EXPIRED, WTF. I look at the registration person and politely explain that there is shit in my purse, what am I suppose to do with it if you don’t take it? Got it sorted out, dropped off the sample and go home. Never heard anything from the lab, go see the digestive specialist, ask about the sample, “No results” were sent here. Called the hospital, the lab tech says “We no have no test for you!!” “Wait, I Iook up.” “Oh, yes, Sample rejected.” Poop was too firm? What? When I handed it over, you could have spread that shit on toast.

I look forward to the rest of my life, at this point, there is no way but UP!!!! Please take time to laugh because if I wasn’t laughing at all this, I would have been given a jacket where I would be hugging myself and a nice padded room so I don’t hurt myself….

Lunatic Fringe Forever………..

Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, it is Wrong. The shape of your face, the color of your eyes, your weight or just anything that you say. I’m being wrong. Not by choice because I feel that I have the right to say my opinion. To logically express my feelings. NOPE! I’m wrong.

How is this determined? Who makes that judgement? Why is it that when I don’t agree with the group, I’m the one that is wrong? Is there a rule book stating that I have to go along with the group? I’m not allowed to object to anything that I see as wrong?

I’m tired of being wrong. I have had to lose everything in my life because I am seen as wrong. Well not everything. Thank God for my husband! He is standing with me on the wrong side. I have lost my children because they believe that I was wrong as a mother to them. Even when I was trying my damnedest to provide everything for them. I was wrong. I have to admit I made mistakes and I know that I was in a bad place when they were growing up, but I always tried to be a good mom. I was wrong.

It is so hard to know that I tried to do everything for my kids and now they will not let me in their lives because I am wrong. WTF does that mean? What did I do so bad that I am being shunned by them? I’m just wrong. WRONG!!

I’m wrong, with my family. My siblings have circled the wagons around my mother. Mainly because I am the wrong child. I am wrong for hurting my mother’s feelings. I am wrong for “using my mother as a Whipping post” when I am angry. It is believed that I take my anger out on my elderly mother. NO!!! I just had an opinion different then hers. I didn’t used to be wrong, in fact I was the good daughter. Mom and I had a really awesome relationship, but that is before I lost my mind. Before I challenged her. Before my sister turned my mother into a fragile old lady. My siblings have convinced my strong, independent mother that she is frail and that she is forgetful. My mother was the strongest woman I knew, before my sister came, moved in with mom and took over her life.

I’m wrong for wanting to have that strong mother back. She told me that if my siblings tried to take her independence away, she would pack up and go to Mexico. WTF! Now she is letting them control her. All I see is this conditioned person who is allowing her life to be dictated to her. I can’t watch it. I stopped talking to my mother in November last year because she can only talk about how she is in pain and that she needs to take a Valium so she can calm down. Don’t get me wrong, I am wrong, but I have Fibromyalgia too and I am fighting every day to not let this take over my life. But I am wrong.

I wrote about being abandoned. I was wrong! My family has completely shut me out. But I am wrong. No, Felicia, We love you!!! Love, WTF! I have not spoken to any of my family in over 6 months. As for my children it’s been 2 years, unless my baby girl calls me drunk. And even then she wants to know what I did to make her brother and sister hate me. God knows I wish I knew!!! But I am wrong…….

What I say, what I do, how I do it, when I do it and even why I do it, Wrong wrong wrong!!!! I am trying desperately to let go, but it is harder than I thought it would be. I am so angry and sad, but that is wrong. I know I did the best I could and I am wrong. I can’t make sense of any of this and I want to scream. That’s wrong. I am not even sure what it was that started this. It has been 6 months and I am still wrong.

My eyes, the shape of my face, my weight, my existence and my opinion is all wrong. WRONG!!! Everything I have ever done in my life is wrong. All of everything, no matter the intention Wrong!! Wrong, I am wrong. Nothing I can do, nothing I can say, NOTHING!!!!

Lunatic Fringe Forever……………………

I look in the mirror and I see “her” face

I make my bed, just in case.

Unmade bed, unmade day “she” says.

No matter how hard I try I know I have “her” ways.

I look in the mirror and see “her” face.

I speak and hear words “she” says.

I look in the mirror and see “her” face.

Push in the chair at the dining table,

Close the front door.

Something about my smile, the shape of my eyes.

Warm embrace too much space?

This is the start of this poem. I got stuck because I am too close to the subject and I am unable to finish this thought. For better or worse, I’m in a toxic place with “her” right now and it is just getting worse.

I will finish this, but not now.

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………………..

Have you ever noticed that people in your life don’t really listen to what you are saying? I mean that they may hear the words but most of the time they are just listening to prepare their response. I am not sure that is listening. The dictionary defines listening as “a station for intercepting electronic communications.” What is hearing? “The faculty of perceiving sounds.” So if someone is listening they are intercepting electronic communications and if they are hearing they are only perceiving sound. That explains a lot to me.

I get really tired of trying to communicate when I know in my heart that someone is not truly listening to what I am saying and the response is “I hear you.” No, were you listening! Usually not. I know that those of us that suffer through the crazy have enough chaos in our brains that when we truly have a point and can truly make sense of the things we need people to understand, we get the I hear you response. I think of the teacher from the “Peanut’s cartoons,” wa, wa, wa, wa! That is what “I hear you,” looks like to me.

I took a course called “Active Listening.” It was for my undergraduate degree because I was thinking about being a therapist. Now I just need one, hahahaha! Anyway, it taught techniques on how to be an active listener. “Active listening is a communication skill that involves going beyond simply hearing the words that another person speaks but also seeking to understand the meaning and intent behind them. It requires being an active participant in the communication process.”

Active participation, holy shit, someone is going to have to want to talk to me. Or truly listen. I am not sure I would know how to act if someone listened to what I was saying and think that I knew what I was talking about or that they would try to understand what it was like to be crazy with no judgement. I just got a chill, that never happens.

If it is not truly apparent I am a sarcastic person. Something I got from my grandmother. She was probably the only one I can remember that listened and asked questions so that she understood what I was telling her or asking her. She never judged me or made me feel that I was alone. She always made me feel wanted and not like a outcast. I know I written a lot about my family and how I feel like I am the misfit. My family swears that is my perception. It is hard to be in the room with people that ignore you or you can feel the tension in the room, it is like I am smothering.

Listening is the topic I have been thinking about for several weeks because again am I not speaking to my mother and my siblings have “Circled the Wagons,” around her. I get the feeling that I have crossed some invisible line. The fact is that my mother is not listening or trying to listen to what I have to say and it has turned into a fight. Or to be politically correct: A Miscommunication!!!” BS, it is that my mother does not want to hear what I have to say and now it is “she is always right and I am always wrong.”

Miscommunication, perception, understanding, I don’t care what it is because all I can see and hear is that no one is willing to listen. Back to my crazy corner and move on. Easier said than done when it comes to losing your family. Still trying to thicken my skin, but really my heart is broken and even worse is that I think I have been seen as crazy for so long it is easier for my family to chalk me off. I might be wrong, but the silence is deafening.

I know those of us that deal with mental health issues or my way of saying it is our “crazy,” have not asked for this to be our lives. We just do it as good as we can. Surviving in a world that looks at us like we are contagious. It does not rub off. Most of us are screaming to be listened to or at the very least someone hear what we are saying!!!

Lunatic Fringe Forever……..

I was raised in a large family and at times it was the greatest gift. Today I am 57 years old and have experienced a whole lot of life that has not been so great. I am struggling with “the family,” because we are not communicating clearly. I take responsibility for the rift and I can’t make “them” understand how I am feeling. I love my family and they say they love me. OK, actions speak louder than words in my little world. That is probably the problem, my “family” has never wanted to come to my little world. I don’t think anyone would want to visit honestly.

My family is now spread all over the country and we usually only spend time with our own families. Since my children have decided I am not worthy of their love or their time, they spend their time with the rest of the family. My family is good with that.

My whole life I have felt as though I never fit in, I have said I am an outcast, but the family gets defensive and it becomes a disagreement. “Oh NO, Felicia, that is all in your mind!” Well yes it is! When I was around 5 years old I had to be in the hospital because I had a disease in my hip. I was taken to a hospital in Philadelphia, PA. It was about 3 hours away from where we lived at the time. So every time my parents came to visit it was only on the weekends and only for a few hours. Then they went home and left me, I remember crying all alone.

I have never shared this story because I guess my brain put it away so I would not remember the trauma of abandonment. I was scared and alone.

I always have done my own thing, even when my decisions weren’t the best. I have mentioned that I am a survivor of a battering relationship. I made a mistake and now I am paying for it. But that is not why I am talking about it. I was alone every time I was beaten, but my family and friends remind me that they tried to help me. I know and I appreciate all they did, but there was a time when I received a letter from my mother telling me how much the situation was hurting her and that she had to distance herself from me because she was not strong enough to continue to watch what was going on. Abandoned again. But I am supposed to forget and forgive. I know how stupid my decisions were, I knew that I was hurting my family. It was not on purpose. I was threatened being told that leaving would put my children and my mother in danger. By that Time I was talking to no friends and no family.

So finally I have found a wonderful husband and my life is going good; however in the last 13 years I have had issues. Tried to kill myself 7 times. That’s a problem. My brain decided to wage war with me. That’s the only way I can describe the chaos that went on up there. Some people thought I was just trying to get attention, I only wish it was that easy. I still can’t explain why, but “doctor” said that I have been blessed with a chemical imbalance. WooHoo fun!

Being around people is hard especially when they know what I have done. Or have known me my whole life because I feel like they expect to catch what I have. My “family” tries so hard to make me believe that everything is my flawed perception. I still feel the tension in the air and there is no denying the feeling of being alone in a crowd.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to make it different. I have worked hard to make myself “normal” or better, how much do I have to do to prove that I am better or worthy. I feel like I am in a life boat floating in the middle of the ocean and there is not a rescue boat, airplane anywhere. Thank God for my husband.

It is so hard being crazy because even with improvement I am made to feel that it is not enough so people stay away from me. Abandonment!

Lunatic Fringe Forever………………..

What do you do when it’s your child missing? I lost it. COMPLETELY! On Tuesday night, two day ago, my daughter went missing. No one had seen her and by morning on Wednesday my son had to go to the police station and file a missing person’s report. For the last 24 hours I have been waiting by the phone for any updates on her whereabouts. What do I do? She is in Alabama and I am in Missouri. I feel so helpless.

She is 32 years old and her own person, but I am still her mother. I know she hates me right now because of past shit. Things I truly had not a lot of control over. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her with all my heart. I would do anything for my children. I miss them everyday and pray that they are happy.

What do you do when it is your child that is missing? Of course, I spent most of the day watching “True Crime” stories. In fact binge watching American Justice. Jesus, all the stories were about missing girls. I am sick. WTF, I am so far away and I can’t even talk to her. God she needs to come home. She needs to be alive and OK. There is nothing so heart-retching then to be told your daughter is missing and no one has seen her in days.

The phone rings and I am told they “think” they found her. Well fuck bring her home! You she is out there scared and alone, help her. Get her back to the people that love her. ME! I love her! I need her to be safe and happy. I need her home. Find her!

I prayed that my children would not inherit my crazy. I was told she has been off her medication for awhile and she is on a binge. NOOOOOOOOOOO! This is so wrong. I didn’t want my kids suffering it not their burden to carry. I tried I really tried to be a good mom, to love them and provide for them. I really tried! Why did this happen?

I could not protect them and now I wait by the phone, crying, feeling helpless and that I have failed her. I thought I did the best I could and I failed her.

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………….

It is always when I am in the shower when I get those melancholy feelings. I guess it is easier to cry in the shower. This morning is no different. I started thinking about my family and all the bullshit that has happened in the last several years. Let’s see: I have attempted suicide 6 times and the last time I almost succeeded, my children blame me for their “lives” problems, I’m not sure what I did except try to be a good mom. Yes, there is more to that story. I was in an abusive relationship when my son was small and my daughters were born during that time. On top of this I am not speaking to my mother because she LIED to me. Of course, she tells me she did not lie she just DIDN’T tell. OMISSION is a LIE!!! This is the third or fourth time I have argued with my mother. I feel she owes me an apology, but she thinks that she didn’t do anything that she needs to apologize to me for. OK!

Now that it is the middle of October and the holidays are coming, I made the executive decision to not participate in any of my family celebrations and I told my family to take me off their Christmas lists because I truly want nothing from them. I text them yesterday and not one person had anything to respond. So now I am going to looked at as a “drama queen.” OMG, why is it that being crazy gets you put into the drama queen category? The arguments I have had with my family has been because I do not agree with what they think is right. In any situation. So then I am that CRAZY person. That person I was before I have fought and worked to be better. No, I am seen as not in my right mind. Do you even know how it feels to be discarded because you don’t agree or you make a logical argument and you are seen as incompetent.

My husband and I moved to a small town to get away from the drama. Sometimes it is great and other times, the silence is deafening. I feel so alone. I never thought that in my life I would be so disconnected from my family. I used to talk to my mom everyday and now all she has to do is say she is sorry, NOPE! Never going to happen, so my siblings “circle the wagons” to protect mom because I am the one seen as bad, wrong, crazy! I am not the one that lied.

If you have never had your children abandon you, completely cutting you out of their lives, it is devastating. I am so sad because up until three years ago I had a decent relationship with each of my children. It was like overnight everything went to shit. I woke up and I was the evil mother. Why won’t they talk to me? I know it was hard when they were growing, but I know I tried my best to be a good mom. I know that there were times when I was an Ogre and I have tried hard to make up for that, but I have not been given any opportunity to plead my case. No they just cut me off.

My family still has relationships with my children, but do they say anything to my kids about how they are treating me, fuck no. Why? Because they want to keep the line of communication open with my kids. While I am shunned for standing up for myself. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Venting cleanses the soul, NO! I was reflecting on the holidays and how different it will be this year. I always go over the top for my whole family and this year I am doing NOTHING!

I wrote a post called “Misfit,” it talked about how I feel disconnected from my family and that I don’t fit in with them. I know now that it is truly my reality. I don’t fit and sometimes I feel that I don’t fit anywhere. Misfit, outcast, crazy, incompetent or simply not worth peoples time. Granted I do like being alone, but this is a crushing feeling. Knowing that I am unworthy of even the smallest amount of kindness from my family. I get more respect from strangers then I get from my own family.

I’m sorry for my pity-party, I just had to get it out or I was going to explode. There are too many good things in my life right now even without my family’s presence. I need to focus and reflect on the positives. Today is going to be a good day! I refuse to allow myself to wallow in self-pity!

Thank-you all!

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………