Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, it is Wrong. The shape of your face, the color of your eyes, your weight or just anything that you say. I’m being wrong. Not by choice because I feel that I have the right to say my opinion. To logically express my feelings. NOPE! I’m wrong.

How is this determined? Who makes that judgement? Why is it that when I don’t agree with the group, I’m the one that is wrong? Is there a rule book stating that I have to go along with the group? I’m not allowed to object to anything that I see as wrong?

I’m tired of being wrong. I have had to lose everything in my life because I am seen as wrong. Well not everything. Thank God for my husband! He is standing with me on the wrong side. I have lost my children because they believe that I was wrong as a mother to them. Even when I was trying my damnedest to provide everything for them. I was wrong. I have to admit I made mistakes and I know that I was in a bad place when they were growing up, but I always tried to be a good mom. I was wrong.

It is so hard to know that I tried to do everything for my kids and now they will not let me in their lives because I am wrong. WTF does that mean? What did I do so bad that I am being shunned by them? I’m just wrong. WRONG!!

I’m wrong, with my family. My siblings have circled the wagons around my mother. Mainly because I am the wrong child. I am wrong for hurting my mother’s feelings. I am wrong for “using my mother as a Whipping post” when I am angry. It is believed that I take my anger out on my elderly mother. NO!!! I just had an opinion different then hers. I didn’t used to be wrong, in fact I was the good daughter. Mom and I had a really awesome relationship, but that is before I lost my mind. Before I challenged her. Before my sister turned my mother into a fragile old lady. My siblings have convinced my strong, independent mother that she is frail and that she is forgetful. My mother was the strongest woman I knew, before my sister came, moved in with mom and took over her life.

I’m wrong for wanting to have that strong mother back. She told me that if my siblings tried to take her independence away, she would pack up and go to Mexico. WTF! Now she is letting them control her. All I see is this conditioned person who is allowing her life to be dictated to her. I can’t watch it. I stopped talking to my mother in November last year because she can only talk about how she is in pain and that she needs to take a Valium so she can calm down. Don’t get me wrong, I am wrong, but I have Fibromyalgia too and I am fighting every day to not let this take over my life. But I am wrong.

I wrote about being abandoned. I was wrong! My family has completely shut me out. But I am wrong. No, Felicia, We love you!!! Love, WTF! I have not spoken to any of my family in over 6 months. As for my children it’s been 2 years, unless my baby girl calls me drunk. And even then she wants to know what I did to make her brother and sister hate me. God knows I wish I knew!!! But I am wrong…….

What I say, what I do, how I do it, when I do it and even why I do it, Wrong wrong wrong!!!! I am trying desperately to let go, but it is harder than I thought it would be. I am so angry and sad, but that is wrong. I know I did the best I could and I am wrong. I can’t make sense of any of this and I want to scream. That’s wrong. I am not even sure what it was that started this. It has been 6 months and I am still wrong.

My eyes, the shape of my face, my weight, my existence and my opinion is all wrong. WRONG!!! Everything I have ever done in my life is wrong. All of everything, no matter the intention Wrong!! Wrong, I am wrong. Nothing I can do, nothing I can say, NOTHING!!!!

Lunatic Fringe Forever……………………

I look in the mirror and I see “her” face

I make my bed, just in case.

Unmade bed, unmade day “she” says.

No matter how hard I try I know I have “her” ways.

I look in the mirror and see “her” face.

I speak and hear words “she” says.

I look in the mirror and see “her” face.

Push in the chair at the dining table,

Close the front door.

Something about my smile, the shape of my eyes.

Warm embrace too much space?

This is the start of this poem. I got stuck because I am too close to the subject and I am unable to finish this thought. For better or worse, I’m in a toxic place with “her” right now and it is just getting worse.

I will finish this, but not now.

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………………..

Have you ever noticed that people in your life don’t really listen to what you are saying? I mean that they may hear the words but most of the time they are just listening to prepare their response. I am not sure that is listening. The dictionary defines listening as “a station for intercepting electronic communications.” What is hearing? “The faculty of perceiving sounds.” So if someone is listening they are intercepting electronic communications and if they are hearing they are only perceiving sound. That explains a lot to me.

I get really tired of trying to communicate when I know in my heart that someone is not truly listening to what I am saying and the response is “I hear you.” No, were you listening! Usually not. I know that those of us that suffer through the crazy have enough chaos in our brains that when we truly have a point and can truly make sense of the things we need people to understand, we get the I hear you response. I think of the teacher from the “Peanut’s cartoons,” wa, wa, wa, wa! That is what “I hear you,” looks like to me.

I took a course called “Active Listening.” It was for my undergraduate degree because I was thinking about being a therapist. Now I just need one, hahahaha! Anyway, it taught techniques on how to be an active listener. “Active listening is a communication skill that involves going beyond simply hearing the words that another person speaks but also seeking to understand the meaning and intent behind them. It requires being an active participant in the communication process.”

Active participation, holy shit, someone is going to have to want to talk to me. Or truly listen. I am not sure I would know how to act if someone listened to what I was saying and think that I knew what I was talking about or that they would try to understand what it was like to be crazy with no judgement. I just got a chill, that never happens.

If it is not truly apparent I am a sarcastic person. Something I got from my grandmother. She was probably the only one I can remember that listened and asked questions so that she understood what I was telling her or asking her. She never judged me or made me feel that I was alone. She always made me feel wanted and not like a outcast. I know I written a lot about my family and how I feel like I am the misfit. My family swears that is my perception. It is hard to be in the room with people that ignore you or you can feel the tension in the room, it is like I am smothering.

Listening is the topic I have been thinking about for several weeks because again am I not speaking to my mother and my siblings have “Circled the Wagons,” around her. I get the feeling that I have crossed some invisible line. The fact is that my mother is not listening or trying to listen to what I have to say and it has turned into a fight. Or to be politically correct: A Miscommunication!!!” BS, it is that my mother does not want to hear what I have to say and now it is “she is always right and I am always wrong.”

Miscommunication, perception, understanding, I don’t care what it is because all I can see and hear is that no one is willing to listen. Back to my crazy corner and move on. Easier said than done when it comes to losing your family. Still trying to thicken my skin, but really my heart is broken and even worse is that I think I have been seen as crazy for so long it is easier for my family to chalk me off. I might be wrong, but the silence is deafening.

I know those of us that deal with mental health issues or my way of saying it is our “crazy,” have not asked for this to be our lives. We just do it as good as we can. Surviving in a world that looks at us like we are contagious. It does not rub off. Most of us are screaming to be listened to or at the very least someone hear what we are saying!!!

Lunatic Fringe Forever……..

I was raised in a large family and at times it was the greatest gift. Today I am 57 years old and have experienced a whole lot of life that has not been so great. I am struggling with “the family,” because we are not communicating clearly. I take responsibility for the rift and I can’t make “them” understand how I am feeling. I love my family and they say they love me. OK, actions speak louder than words in my little world. That is probably the problem, my “family” has never wanted to come to my little world. I don’t think anyone would want to visit honestly.

My family is now spread all over the country and we usually only spend time with our own families. Since my children have decided I am not worthy of their love or their time, they spend their time with the rest of the family. My family is good with that.

My whole life I have felt as though I never fit in, I have said I am an outcast, but the family gets defensive and it becomes a disagreement. “Oh NO, Felicia, that is all in your mind!” Well yes it is! When I was around 5 years old I had to be in the hospital because I had a disease in my hip. I was taken to a hospital in Philadelphia, PA. It was about 3 hours away from where we lived at the time. So every time my parents came to visit it was only on the weekends and only for a few hours. Then they went home and left me, I remember crying all alone.

I have never shared this story because I guess my brain put it away so I would not remember the trauma of abandonment. I was scared and alone.

I always have done my own thing, even when my decisions weren’t the best. I have mentioned that I am a survivor of a battering relationship. I made a mistake and now I am paying for it. But that is not why I am talking about it. I was alone every time I was beaten, but my family and friends remind me that they tried to help me. I know and I appreciate all they did, but there was a time when I received a letter from my mother telling me how much the situation was hurting her and that she had to distance herself from me because she was not strong enough to continue to watch what was going on. Abandoned again. But I am supposed to forget and forgive. I know how stupid my decisions were, I knew that I was hurting my family. It was not on purpose. I was threatened being told that leaving would put my children and my mother in danger. By that Time I was talking to no friends and no family.

So finally I have found a wonderful husband and my life is going good; however in the last 13 years I have had issues. Tried to kill myself 7 times. That’s a problem. My brain decided to wage war with me. That’s the only way I can describe the chaos that went on up there. Some people thought I was just trying to get attention, I only wish it was that easy. I still can’t explain why, but “doctor” said that I have been blessed with a chemical imbalance. WooHoo fun!

Being around people is hard especially when they know what I have done. Or have known me my whole life because I feel like they expect to catch what I have. My “family” tries so hard to make me believe that everything is my flawed perception. I still feel the tension in the air and there is no denying the feeling of being alone in a crowd.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to make it different. I have worked hard to make myself “normal” or better, how much do I have to do to prove that I am better or worthy. I feel like I am in a life boat floating in the middle of the ocean and there is not a rescue boat, airplane anywhere. Thank God for my husband.

It is so hard being crazy because even with improvement I am made to feel that it is not enough so people stay away from me. Abandonment!

Lunatic Fringe Forever………………..

What do you do when it’s your child missing? I lost it. COMPLETELY! On Tuesday night, two day ago, my daughter went missing. No one had seen her and by morning on Wednesday my son had to go to the police station and file a missing person’s report. For the last 24 hours I have been waiting by the phone for any updates on her whereabouts. What do I do? She is in Alabama and I am in Missouri. I feel so helpless.

She is 32 years old and her own person, but I am still her mother. I know she hates me right now because of past shit. Things I truly had not a lot of control over. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her with all my heart. I would do anything for my children. I miss them everyday and pray that they are happy.

What do you do when it is your child that is missing? Of course, I spent most of the day watching “True Crime” stories. In fact binge watching American Justice. Jesus, all the stories were about missing girls. I am sick. WTF, I am so far away and I can’t even talk to her. God she needs to come home. She needs to be alive and OK. There is nothing so heart-retching then to be told your daughter is missing and no one has seen her in days.

The phone rings and I am told they “think” they found her. Well fuck bring her home! You she is out there scared and alone, help her. Get her back to the people that love her. ME! I love her! I need her to be safe and happy. I need her home. Find her!

I prayed that my children would not inherit my crazy. I was told she has been off her medication for awhile and she is on a binge. NOOOOOOOOOOO! This is so wrong. I didn’t want my kids suffering it not their burden to carry. I tried I really tried to be a good mom, to love them and provide for them. I really tried! Why did this happen?

I could not protect them and now I wait by the phone, crying, feeling helpless and that I have failed her. I thought I did the best I could and I failed her.

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………….

It is always when I am in the shower when I get those melancholy feelings. I guess it is easier to cry in the shower. This morning is no different. I started thinking about my family and all the bullshit that has happened in the last several years. Let’s see: I have attempted suicide 6 times and the last time I almost succeeded, my children blame me for their “lives” problems, I’m not sure what I did except try to be a good mom. Yes, there is more to that story. I was in an abusive relationship when my son was small and my daughters were born during that time. On top of this I am not speaking to my mother because she LIED to me. Of course, she tells me she did not lie she just DIDN’T tell. OMISSION is a LIE!!! This is the third or fourth time I have argued with my mother. I feel she owes me an apology, but she thinks that she didn’t do anything that she needs to apologize to me for. OK!

Now that it is the middle of October and the holidays are coming, I made the executive decision to not participate in any of my family celebrations and I told my family to take me off their Christmas lists because I truly want nothing from them. I text them yesterday and not one person had anything to respond. So now I am going to looked at as a “drama queen.” OMG, why is it that being crazy gets you put into the drama queen category? The arguments I have had with my family has been because I do not agree with what they think is right. In any situation. So then I am that CRAZY person. That person I was before I have fought and worked to be better. No, I am seen as not in my right mind. Do you even know how it feels to be discarded because you don’t agree or you make a logical argument and you are seen as incompetent.

My husband and I moved to a small town to get away from the drama. Sometimes it is great and other times, the silence is deafening. I feel so alone. I never thought that in my life I would be so disconnected from my family. I used to talk to my mom everyday and now all she has to do is say she is sorry, NOPE! Never going to happen, so my siblings “circle the wagons” to protect mom because I am the one seen as bad, wrong, crazy! I am not the one that lied.

If you have never had your children abandon you, completely cutting you out of their lives, it is devastating. I am so sad because up until three years ago I had a decent relationship with each of my children. It was like overnight everything went to shit. I woke up and I was the evil mother. Why won’t they talk to me? I know it was hard when they were growing, but I know I tried my best to be a good mom. I know that there were times when I was an Ogre and I have tried hard to make up for that, but I have not been given any opportunity to plead my case. No they just cut me off.

My family still has relationships with my children, but do they say anything to my kids about how they are treating me, fuck no. Why? Because they want to keep the line of communication open with my kids. While I am shunned for standing up for myself. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Venting cleanses the soul, NO! I was reflecting on the holidays and how different it will be this year. I always go over the top for my whole family and this year I am doing NOTHING!

I wrote a post called “Misfit,” it talked about how I feel disconnected from my family and that I don’t fit in with them. I know now that it is truly my reality. I don’t fit and sometimes I feel that I don’t fit anywhere. Misfit, outcast, crazy, incompetent or simply not worth peoples time. Granted I do like being alone, but this is a crushing feeling. Knowing that I am unworthy of even the smallest amount of kindness from my family. I get more respect from strangers then I get from my own family.

I’m sorry for my pity-party, I just had to get it out or I was going to explode. There are too many good things in my life right now even without my family’s presence. I need to focus and reflect on the positives. Today is going to be a good day! I refuse to allow myself to wallow in self-pity!

Thank-you all!

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………

I am on an adventure! For people that know me that is the best thing ever! I have grown to love the journey to new and exciting things.

First, I am sharing my weekly videos that I do here on my blog. I started doing live informational videos on Facebook about 9 months ago and so I am proud of my work and am looking to send it out to a bigger audience.

Second, I am expanding myself to possibly doing in person speaking to different groups, ie: churches, AA groups and maybe some civics groups. Not sure, but open to the possibilities.

And finally, I have a dream on my bucket list to go and do a “open mike night” at a comedy club. Who knows I may have a new career? HAHAHAHA!

Lunatic Fringe Forever!!!!