Reflection

It is always when I am in the shower when I get those melancholy feelings. I guess it is easier to cry in the shower. This morning is no different. I started thinking about my family and all the bullshit that has happened in the last several years. Let’s see: I have attempted suicide 6 times and the last time I almost succeeded, my children blame me for their “lives” problems, I’m not sure what I did except try to be a good mom. Yes, there is more to that story. I was in an abusive relationship when my son was small and my daughters were born during that time. On top of this I am not speaking to my mother because she LIED to me. Of course, she tells me she did not lie she just DIDN’T tell. OMISSION is a LIE!!! This is the third or fourth time I have argued with my mother. I feel she owes me an apology, but she thinks that she didn’t do anything that she needs to apologize to me for. OK!

Now that it is the middle of October and the holidays are coming, I made the executive decision to not participate in any of my family celebrations and I told my family to take me off their Christmas lists because I truly want nothing from them. I text them yesterday and not one person had anything to respond. So now I am going to looked at as a “drama queen.” OMG, why is it that being crazy gets you put into the drama queen category? The arguments I have had with my family has been because I do not agree with what they think is right. In any situation. So then I am that CRAZY person. That person I was before I have fought and worked to be better. No, I am seen as not in my right mind. Do you even know how it feels to be discarded because you don’t agree or you make a logical argument and you are seen as incompetent.

My husband and I moved to a small town to get away from the drama. Sometimes it is great and other times, the silence is deafening. I feel so alone. I never thought that in my life I would be so disconnected from my family. I used to talk to my mom everyday and now all she has to do is say she is sorry, NOPE! Never going to happen, so my siblings “circle the wagons” to protect mom because I am the one seen as bad, wrong, crazy! I am not the one that lied.

If you have never had your children abandon you, completely cutting you out of their lives, it is devastating. I am so sad because up until three years ago I had a decent relationship with each of my children. It was like overnight everything went to shit. I woke up and I was the evil mother. Why won’t they talk to me? I know it was hard when they were growing, but I know I tried my best to be a good mom. I know that there were times when I was an Ogre and I have tried hard to make up for that, but I have not been given any opportunity to plead my case. No they just cut me off.

My family still has relationships with my children, but do they say anything to my kids about how they are treating me, fuck no. Why? Because they want to keep the line of communication open with my kids. While I am shunned for standing up for myself. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Venting cleanses the soul, NO! I was reflecting on the holidays and how different it will be this year. I always go over the top for my whole family and this year I am doing NOTHING!

I wrote a post called “Misfit,” it talked about how I feel disconnected from my family and that I don’t fit in with them. I know now that it is truly my reality. I don’t fit and sometimes I feel that I don’t fit anywhere. Misfit, outcast, crazy, incompetent or simply not worth peoples time. Granted I do like being alone, but this is a crushing feeling. Knowing that I am unworthy of even the smallest amount of kindness from my family. I get more respect from strangers then I get from my own family.

I’m sorry for my pity-party, I just had to get it out or I was going to explode. There are too many good things in my life right now even without my family’s presence. I need to focus and reflect on the positives. Today is going to be a good day! I refuse to allow myself to wallow in self-pity!

Thank-you all!

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………

A Whole New World

I am on an adventure! For people that know me that is the best thing ever! I have grown to love the journey to new and exciting things.

First, I am sharing my weekly videos that I do here on my blog. I started doing live informational videos on Facebook about 9 months ago and so I am proud of my work and am looking to send it out to a bigger audience.

Second, I am expanding myself to possibly doing in person speaking to different groups, ie: churches, AA groups and maybe some civics groups. Not sure, but open to the possibilities.

And finally, I have a dream on my bucket list to go and do a “open mike night” at a comedy club. Who knows I may have a new career? HAHAHAHA!

Lunatic Fringe Forever!!!!

It’s a New Day

Hi everyone, this is the day I will be adding videos to my site!!!

So I need to let you know now that there are 16 videos going up today and as I make new ones each week I will add them. Today maybe some overkill, but I am working on the new version of my blog site and I hope to have a new and improved presentation. I am really excited so please bear with me as I am under construction.

Lunatic Fringe Forever

Something is in the Water

OK, so I think there is something in the water. For some God knows reason, it is baffling me that there is not a universal outrage with all the killing going on. Have we become so comfortable with our own existence that we completely disregard that there are billions of people being killed every day.

That is harsh! I know, but 19 children, 2 teachers, a grandmother and a husband. Not to mention the Ukraine situation. Have we become so dis sensitized to violence that we have given away our souls. There has to be something in the water. I have no other explanation for the blah-say atmosphere. This will sound really out there, but I feel it. I feel an aura of complacent indifference. Have we become a culture that is only interested in getting their own 15minutes of fame posting on Tik-Tok that the rest of the world can go fuck itself. What is wrong with us.

I have Facebook, but I refuse to have tik-tok. My Facebook is filled with empowerment and love. I choose to use my profile, my writing in the advancement of kindness and love. I also want to allow people into my story, to show through my words what I experience living with a mental illness. I am dumb-founded by the violence and total disregard for human life. What the Fuck!!!

I am ranting today because I am trying to wrap my head around the indifference. Trust me I am not trying to be “Holier than thou” I just am frustrated. I look at the blatant corruption of our government. The career politicians getting rich off our backs, the justice system taking rights away from women and the total lack of truth. Then on top of that 19 beautiful innocent children are gunned down like shooting fish in a barrel. They never had a chance. Am I the only one mad.

I know I am not the only one mad, for sure, but why WHY is some stupid bimbo or DIY or what ever the lasted trend on Tik Tok getting more views then the outrage of people about ALL the bullshit happening. Oh how wonderful social media is, but we don’t talk to each other any more. Our children have no concept of talking. “Just text me,” NO I want to hear your voice and look you in the eye and hear the words coming out of your mouth!

I am crazy all by myself and truly we have all had enough stress in the last several years. The time has come to re-emerge from the darkness and bring the light to all the shit we have let slide by because of circumstance. I got my activism bug from my Momma, it is her fault. I was very comfortable being a silent warrior, but now I am tuned in. I have been joking with my husband that I want to run for President. Can’t do any worse than what we have had in the last 6 years.

Felicia Hall for President!!! I am the poor man’s candidate, I live on disability and medicare as does my husband, I am educated with a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology and I am honest, really. I hate liars and I believe that there is no room for beating around a bush.

OK that is my schtick! Love just love and be kind. My heart breaks for the families who lost their children and the children that lost their parents. How many children have to die before we get really pissed off and do something.

There is something is the water, it has made us numb to everything. I hope the Koolaide tasted good because I have a really bad taste in my mouth!

Lunatic Fringe Forever!!!!!!!!