Help with a Title

Let me speak my words,

for they are wisdom.

Let me sing my song,

for it is joyful.

Let me give of myself,

for I give love.

Wisdom, Joy, Love…….

Allow me to give to you, for I will give you strength.

Strength to see your Wisdom.

Strength to see your Joy.

The Love you have to give,

For you are Hope for others…………..

Lunatic Fringe Forever……………….

Going through the past

OK, so this is not so bad because I have found my old writings. Some of it is a little ris’k for this blog so I may have to start another one or just become a romance novelist. Yeah, my husband was truly surprised that I could be so imaginative. Most women can write romance novels if they got together and it would be a best seller.

The last post, “The Beauty of You,” was a poemish thing I wrote for an old boyfriend. I edited it to be more inclusive for all. I was looking over a lot of my old stuff and I figured it would not be too bad if I shared them. I will probably be doing some editing and posting a lot in the near future. I feel like if I just leave them in the notebook they will just get thrown away when I die. Yes, my children are still not talking to me and it has been two + years for my son and almost a year for my girls. I guess they will hate me forever.

I shared that information with a close friend yesterday and we both cried. And then she told me something that I never knew she thought. She said, “I don’t understand why your children are being so mean to you, you are the kindest, most loving person I know.” I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know about you, but I never really think about how I come across to people. I never wonder what impact I have in people’s lives. So when she said that I was speechless.

I digress, going through the past, is hard for me and it is probably hard for most people. OK, so when there is a mental health issue, illness whatever, it can lead a person down a rabbit hole, so to speak. Since one of my promises has been to not lie, which I don’t believe in lying for any reason, I have to say some of the things I have written will probably trigger some memories or push the limits of my therapy.

There are times in our lives that it is necessary to revisit the past. My main motivation is and always has been to allow “people” into my brain, space, world etc. It is important that “people” not only read the words, but see the story from the eyes of this (me) crazy person. Not everything is pretty or butterflies and rainbows. I hate that saying because rainbows and butterflies are my very favorite things. Fairies, gnomes, ogres, flowers, and most of all TREES!

I almost wrote, someday when I am healthy, bullshit, I am evolving. So as time passes I will face each trigger with strength and honor because I really want to post my old writings. Going to the Past will be an adventure and I will document the process so that maybe not you, but me can learn to express the truth behind the trigger that may cause a dive. Or a dip in my “Emotional Stability.” That is a psychological term. “Not a doctor of psychology, yet, but I play one in my dreams!”

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………………..

The Beauty of You

There is an inner strength which radiates the beauty of you

There is an energy which illuminates the beauty of you

There is a joy which pours the beauty of you

The beauty shines from the love you give,

the laughter you share, it is everlasting and freely gifted.

The beauty is ongoing, never tiring, present in your smile and from your heart.

The passion flows through the beauty of you.

So gifted and humble is the beauty of you.

And you, so treasured and loved, worthy and needed,

gifted and celebrated.

The person you are is the beauty of you!

In The Mirror

I look into the mirror and I see my face. It is an ordinary face, it resembles my mother. I have similar shaped eyes and I inherited the flabby turkey neck of my grandmother. I see hazel green eyes like my grandfather and red hair from the Irish side of the family.

In the mirror I see the dark bags under my eyes and the laugh lines around my mouth. I see the tear streaks and the crows feet.

In the mirror I see me. I see what everyone else can see. In the mirror there is a stranger, sometimes I don’t recognize me. I see what I need to be because everyone sees me.

In the mirror there is an image covered in powder, blush, eye shadow and mascara. Putchy lips of red, smiling. Hiding behind the mask.

In the mirror I see me. The happy me, proud that I was able to get out of bed today with little pain. Hoping to be able to accomplish anything today.

In the mirror I see a wife, secure in a love that has withstood a lot of trials. A love that I can depend on to encourage me to dream. In the mirror I am beautiful to my love and he tells me this so I feel it.

In the mirror I see a mother, broken-hearted by her children because of my past mistakes. In the mirror I see a mother denied, no longer having a mother identity. In the mirror I see the empty place where there used to be full love and now I am angry.

In the mirror I see the aging me, the woman with wrinkles and freckles. Truly the age spots that darken the skin.

In the mirror I see into my eyes, praying that all can be mended including the look of aging in my face. Renewal of my soul deep within my eyes.

In the mirror there is me alone with quiet determination to live after so many times wanting to die. Leaving all the hurt and pain. The anger and disappointment.

In the mirror I see me the weirdo, the fun crazy gypsy wanting to fly on fairy wings. Dance in the rain and sing out loud.

In the Mirror I see ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………………..

Small Things Give Me JOY

I was looking around my house the other day and realized, I have a good life. My plants are growing in the windows, my cat is cuddly and my husband has truly made an effort to understand me. That is a milestone, really! I am thinking that the aging process has a lot to do with how a person sees JOY. I know that for along time I was searching for it. I failed. I was looking in the wrong places.

What is JOY: 1 : a feeling of pleasure or happiness that comes from success, good fortune, or a sense of well-being. 2 : something that gives pleasure or happiness.

That is redundant. Happiness, pleasure, comfort and joy. They all are similar, so defining what the true meaning is has to be done by each individual. There is not instructions on how to be happy or have pleasure. As a child, baby for example; a baby puts everything in their mouth. Not because that is what a baby does, it is that the baby is trying to define their environment and what tastes, and feels good. As a toddler, they are looking to expand their environment to find news ways to feel good. Little ones have no reference for happiness and joy, but a smile on your face and a loving touch makes the baby smile and be calm. (Sometimes).

I feel we forget the simple and there is the problem, not saying to put everything in your mouth, but smile.

Relating this to my illnesses, (fibromyalgia and the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depression), JOY can be very hard to identify. Living with chronic pain and taking medication for pain and anti-depressants to survive can destroy JOY. It has taken me 56 years to allow myself to enjoy “THINGS.” Anything. I am not discounting my life as I have aged, but there is one thing to understand, the trauma that I experienced in my life has left deep scars on my brain. I have not a lot of memories of being young because of abuse.

That is another story. Today is JOY! The reason I wrote the above paragraph is to give a small look into why having joy is a big deal to me. I have struggled to remind myself that I am truly grateful for the life I am living NOW. I can see the beauty in every day. I can feel joyful that my marriage has survived my “crazy.” I can be happy that I have a wonderful family that loves me even when I have pushed them away and been hateful.

I spent the afternoon with a friend that I have known for a long time. She and I just hung out and talked. I am safe with her because she accepts me. The whole day I smiled and laughed and just was goofy. Now I remember that day and know that JOY was all over it. We didn’t go anywhere, we didn’t spend any money, we were just there in her backyard, playing with her puppy, sitting in the sun and talking. About Nothing! Being! One of the best times of my life, JOY!

Today is Monday, usually not a good day for me and here it is overcast and my body is rejecting any physical labor. I have a list of things I hope to accomplish and my brain is smiling. I am peaceful and I feel I will succeed in my endeavors. OK, that sounds profound, Shit I am gonna get things done. And be HAPPY about it. How’s that for JOY. Happy doing chores. Anytime I have the energy to do anything I am happy.

I try not to be know-it-allishy, but I feel that here’s some advice: find small things. THINGS: defined as an activity that makes you smile. JOY is something that you need to have an active role in. If it is using just your brain to visualize your happy place, going on a walk or driving in the car. DO SOMETHING! Remember to be MINDFUL and PRESENT, FEEL the JOY. LAUGH, watch a Comedy. There is JOY inside all of us and sometimes it’s hard to find, but it is there.

I remember that song, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” Even if that starts repeating in your brain, after awhile you will laugh because it is really hard not to be happy when you are totally thinking about BEING HAPPY!

Look for the small things!!!!!


It is a Racket

I was in a car accident in November 2016 where I was sitting at a stop light and I was rear ended. The impact was so hard that I was pushed into the intersection and I hit the back of the driver seat so hard that it was pushed into a reclining position and we could never fix it to go back up to an upright position. Needless to say I had a concussion, bumps and bruises and when I went to the doctor we found out after an MRI that I tore my meniscus in my knee.

In addition to that my car was totaled, the impact of the hit buckled my JEEP. Both the back doors were pushed out like wings, you get the picture hopefully. I had no issue negotiating a settlement on the car because the insurance company didn’t want my car and I ended up getting more money for it than we paid for it. Also we were given it back because the engine was good and we could use it for parts. The insurance company paid for the tows, paid for the car and paid to have it towed to my house. Not bad.

HOWEVER, the injury part, yeah they don’t want to pay. I ended up having surgery on my knee to repair the meniscus and I have periodically needed pain shots in my knee. I had to enlist the help of a lawyer because the insurance company was being unreasonable. The medical bills are upward in the amount of $30,000. They wanted to offer $3,500. to start. Granted I was surprised. I really believed that the whole process would be over quickly and I could move on with my life.

Yeah, NO! It is almost 5 years later and we were quarantined for over of a year so nothing was done. Now the insurance company wants to settle and I have a lawyer that made me believe I had a good case. He sent our settlement offer to the insurance company of $250,000. I was good with that amount. He told me that all we can do now is go up if they want to fight us. That was sometime in the last 6 to 8 months. I just waited.

Present day, insurance company’s first offer is $32,000. That won’t even cover my medical costs I say to the lawyer. He tells me that it is a good offer because at least the insurance company is willing to make an offer. I said what about the $250,000? He tells me that the limit on the woman’s insurance is only $100,000. I said than that is what I want so that everything will get paid; the medical bills and his 33% then I will have at least $50,000 in my pocket. “OH, NO the lawyer says, it doesn’t work like that.”

WTF are we paying for insurance if it will not pay for the accident in full? When I initially went to the lawyer with my mother as a witness, he told us that pain and suffering was 4 to 5 times the amount of the medical bills. OK, that means I would be looking at $120,000 to $150,000. NOPE, the last offer was $70,000. How does that happen?

So not only am I having to fight for justice with the insurance company, I am at odds with the lawyer because I guess he is pissed because I won’t settle. He told me a whole different outcome when I first talked to him, now that we are into the 5th year he has thrown me under the bus. I am now physically sick because of the stress and to the point where I want to dismiss the case all together and take my chances with having to pay my bills and fuck my lawyer because he will be getting 33% of a big fat 0!!!! I am a spiteful bitch when someone stabs me in the back.

I trusted this man to do right by me and honor his word. Not only did I hire him to work my accident claim, I sent my sister to him. I discovered that he screwed up my sister’s settlement because he never got the doctor recommendation that my sister will need surgery in the future and was not organized at the mediation so she was forced to settle for 1/4 of what she was asking for. Fuck that, I am not my sister.

I handed this man the case on a silver platter, I had all my bills, all the record information and gave him $100.00 to file the paperwork in court. I had to go on to find out about my court dates because he never called me. Then I find out that everything is being continues because they can’t find the woman who hit me because they have to serve her papers and she has moved like 4 times. What has that got to do with me?

I know after this is all over I will be filing a complaint with the Bar Association against my lawyer for failing to do his job. I just want what he said from the beginning. Now it is ALL or NOTHING!

Lunatic Fringe Forever!!!!

I Don’t Like Being a Grown-Up

Whoever said I can’t wait to grow-up truly is not enlightened to the facts of life. I remember being a teenager and wanting so bad to be grown-up, what was I thinking. This shit sucks ass!!!!

I just finished paying the bills and working out my budget for the month. I have a tension headache brewing behind my eyes. I love writing checks and watching my money dwindle down, praying that everything gets paid and I have enough in the bank to put groceries in the refrigerator. This is what “sane” people do.

I figured that having the “crazies” was going to exempt me from the grown-up. It was a illusion or in the crazy realm it is a delusion, hahahah! I am not delusional at least not today.

I guess when I was younger I thought that being able to do whatever I wanted because I was old enough, it just looked so wonderful, magical and then I got my first set of bills and rent and children and mortgage and utilities and doctor bills and grocery bill and a speeding ticket and gas for the car to go to a job and I hate working; people are stupid and I have to follow the rules. It is so wonderful, it is back to being similar to living with my parents. Someone is telling me what to do.

Now that I am “Crazy” (disabled) I am ultimately retired. No one is telling me what to do, but I still have the BILLS. I envy no one who has to work for a living. I did that and I admire each and every one of you!!! I don’t play well with others so me working is a joke. I found that I would have to be the CEO or President because I know better than anyone what is right. It is a woman thing.

Let me clarify, I don’t like authority, I have an issue with a boss that is rigid and is not a free thinker, you know the ones that thump company policy at you and you know that the policy is archaic. It may have worked 100 years ago but now things are changing. And I still have the bills.

So back to I don’t like being grown-up, especially when the aging process has attacked every inch of my body. I could truly write a book on the aches and pains that my body has experienced, wearing glasses because I can’t see anything two inches away from face, cataract surgery to clear up the blurry vision, chiropractor for my back pain, shots in my knee for pain and I wake up at 4am most mornings ready to start my day. What is that, who does that? Grown-ups!!!

Yes, yes I am bitching, but I know someone is reading this and are saying “Preach girl” you know how I feel!! These kids today don’t have a clue!!! I miss being young and having only to do the chores that mom asked me to do and finishing then going to the mall with my friends and babysitting for extra money to go to the movies or buy something, anything and not worry that it is not in the budget. Being with my friends talking all day, riding around in the car, checking out the guys, hanging out. That shit does not happen now, there is no time to do nothing. “You are a grown-up, act like one!” In my world that is a BIG FUCK YOU!

I personally refuse to grow-up, my husband has even told me I am a kid. OK, so we were taking a drive and I was so excited I could barely contain myself, in fact I told him that I was like a dog, if I could I would hang my head out the window and wag my tail because we were going for a ride. What is wrong with that, I will tell you NOTHING! I feel that if we periodically acted like we were 3 years old life would be so much better.

Why 3? Because I can talk in sentences, ask for what I want, pee by myself and be cute enough to con you out of anything. Spend some time with a 3 year old and get some pointers they are great!!! For me, I am a sit on the floor kinda person being with the kids because the grown-ups are too fucking stressful.

OK, so yes I am a grown-up, but only in the number associated with my age and when I am taking care of grown-up issues, 40% of the time. That other 60% I am 3 years old playing with my barbies and making stuff. I am trying to embrace the grown-up side and accept the grown-up things, but sometimes it is just so much nicer not having to “be” a grown-up.

Lunatic Fringe Forever……….

“The Secret”

I watched the movie “The Secret,” again after several years. I feel as though I was “attracted” to the movie. If you have not seen it the movie talks about the concepts of the “Laws of Attraction.”

It is defined as follows: the Law of Attraction is the ability to attract into our lives whatever we are focusing on. … It is the Law of Attraction that uses the power of the mind to translate whatever is in our thoughts and materialize them into reality. In basic terms, all thoughts turn into things eventually. It also states that people tend to attract people who are similar to them—but it also suggests that people’s thoughts tend to attract similar results. Negative thinking is believed to attract negative experiences, while positive thinking is believed to produce desirable experiences.

As I have gone into research mode I have discovered that the laws of attraction is seen as “pseudoscience,” or a philosophy. So truly main stream science, medicine and psychology have made it into a fad. Because there is no way to truly statistically measure the results and it doesn’t fall into the category of true science.

The other concept of this is “Mindset,” patterns in which our mind normally operates toward certain determinations. OK, that is a mouthful of stating the obvious. Sure if we think it’s going to be a bad day, we have now attracted or patterned ourselves to the negative. No matter how we try to recover there is the underlying blah that has ruined our day. The “Phantom” menace.

In contrast, it is said that if you wake up and think that it is going to a great day, then rainbows and butterflies are the happy that you have attracted. OK, I know that is extreme, but it could happen. My education is in Psychology, I have a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology. The concept of Mindfulness and Gratitude are what I feel are keys to happiness. When we spent time seeing the world in the present and are grateful for the life we have, even if there maybe some improvements that you want to make, happiness can be achieved.

No one gets “Anything” on a silver platter. Life is a work in progress. There is always learning opportunities that can improve our situation. Using our mindset or focusing our “energies” on the positive can change things. “They,” I’m guessing some expert, have tested the brain and as of today and I have not heard anything to contradict this, we only use, access, work 10% of our brain.

What the f&^%, so 90% of our brain is dormant? No, I don’t think so. I think that there is the ability for the human person to tap the energy in the 90% so that change and progress is happening. In this “magical” 90% of untapped energy there are complex synapses happening. No one can tell me that logical, technical people only need 10% to do complex equations. Or the artist painting a beautiful portrait is only accessing 10%.

Just saying! I went off on a tangent. Talking about our brain goes along with the concept of attraction and mindset. We are thinking, intelligent beings. The capacity in each of us to access the depth of our thinking to send out into the Universe positive energies is one thought away. Think about being kind, smiling as you walk by another person. Being present, conscious of how and what you are thinking.

The joke my mother, me and my sisters have is that if we talk about someone they show up later (within a week) or they call. I have done that with my daughters. It can be very weird at first, but then it is just what happens when there is the power of thoughts, positive energies sent out into the Universe.

I’m not asking anyone to believe, I just want you to wonder. Be curious, don’t take my word for it. Make your own inquiries. There are mystics, visionaries and prophets throughout history that saw the value of attraction and mindset. It is not new, it is not “new age,” it is not some fly-by-night bullshit I pulled out of my ass. There is a lot of stock in being Kind, Smiling and thinking Happy thoughts.

Like I said, not trying to force feed this to you. Just want you to wonder. Situations in this world are to say the least, stressful, so why not try thinking about happy. What does that look like? What do you want from this life or what do you want to achieve? The possibilities are endless!!!!

Lunatic Fringe Forever

Monday, Monday

I am not sure if it subconscious or that I just am programed to dislike Mondays. The Sun is rising behind the house and it is supposed to be a beautiful day, but I can’t seem to get past the fact that it is a Monday. Since I am disabled the days don’t truly make that much of a difference because I am not working. Monday should feel like any other day of the week.

So out of curiosity I looked to see of there were any “Urban Legends” about Mondays, Nope. There was a story about “Blue Monday,” come to find out that some bored individual invented the concept to promote travel in cold winter months. God bless profit. Being that my background is in Psychology, that is just a disaster waiting to happen. A lot of people already experience “Seasonal Effective Disorder,” during the grey months of winter and to add a blue Monday is poring salt on a wound. “I know you are feeling bad so come ski or come see the snowy mountains.” “If you travel on a Monday, it is a money saver.”

I hate getting out of bed when it’s cold let alone that it is a Monday, “REALLY!”

What is it about Monday that most people cringe when the alarm goes off?

OMG! I looked this up and this is what I found:

1. Sleep Patterns

Our minds are absolute slaves to our body clocks. As we remember every year when the clocks “spring forward,” even an hour’s change can completely mess you up. But in a way, we do this to ourselves every single week. Since most people don’t get enough sleep during the week, they often try to make up for it on weekends. But sleeping in even an hour or two for just two days can confuse your body clock. According to scientists, that extra sleep just makes you more tired at the start of the week, because it can throw your body clock off by up to 45 minutes. This makes it even harder to get up on a Monday morning, even though you would think you would be well rested since you “caught up” on sleep over the weekend.

2. Socializing

One strange reason we might feel down Monday mornings is thanks to something that dates back to our cavemen days. Humans are social animals, and to feel happy we need to feel comfortable of our place in a “tribe,” so to speak. Even after just two days away, according to scientists, we need to make sure our place in our work environment is secure. Gossiping with your co-workers is an important part of gearing up for the work week, and if you don’t do this, you might feel out of sorts.

3. Sudden Change

Scientists have found that when you ask people to record their emotions at regular intervals, it turns out that Mondays are no more stressful or depressing than Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. Fridays only come out ahead because people are anticipating the weekend. Other than that, all work days are equally terrible. But if you ask people to remember which day was worst, they will always say Monday. This comes down to the fact that there is a larger emotional shift from Sunday (a happy weekend day) to Monday (a work day) than there is between two work days. So no matter what, Monday will always seem like it was the worst day of your week.

4. You Feel Worse About Yourself

Your average weekend might involve eating, drinking, or smoking more than normal. And all of these things take a toll on you physically, which may be why one study found that American women of all ages and locations feel least attractive on Mondays.

People also see Mondays as the best day to change something about themselves. You are more likely to consider (or actually start) a diet on the first day of the week, as well as quit smoking. While these are positive changes, they aren’t fun to actually do, and they come from a place of feeling bad about yourself and your health, which contributes to that blah Monday feeling.

5. You Are Less Healthy

But you don’t just feel less healthy on a Monday, you actually are less healthy. Scientists have found that even people who generally maintain their weight weigh the most at the beginning of the week. Mondays are also the most common day for people to suffer heart attacks and strokes. Even if you don’t end up in the hospital, your blood pressure is higher on Monday, as is your chance of getting sick in general.

6. You Don’t Like Your Job

According to a massive Gallup poll, 70 percent of people hate or, at best, are “completely disengaged” from their job. This contributes to what psychiatrists and career coaches call the “Monday Blues.” Feelings of depression and anxiety can start on Sunday night, leading to an unproductive Monday. That might be why 37 percent of job applications are submitted on Tuesdays, more than any other day; you have another terrible Monday at a job you hate, and you’re ready to get out of there.

If I wasn’t justified before now I have “Scientific Experts” showing me 6 things that make Monday worse. I was going to say that I wasn’t complaining, but I am complaining. The weekend wasn’t bad, in fact I got a lot of things accomplished. When I woke up this morning I felt OK and as I sit here I can’t say it is a bad Monday. OK, yes, one thing happened. I had gotten a new used desk chair from the thrift store and it is great because it is on wheels. This morning I went to push in to the desk so I could write and I heard a crack then the chair tilted and the front wheel is broke. I think I can fix it, but if not the wheels have to come off. (Frown.)

I am looking for the silver lining and I think I found it: The birds are singing out my window and the sun is shining so this is going to be a good Monday.

Lunatic Fringe Forever……