I’m screaming without sound

I’m suffering with a smile on my face

I’m crying without a tear found

I’m screaming can you hear me

Can you see the pain

The tear you will never see

There is a time bomb inside

An explosion even as you are by my side

To explain I am unable

To let you know is an open I can’t do

To make you understand I am incapable

I’m screaming

Can you hear me……

I’m visiting with the funeral director today to talk about burial plans. I’m not dying, I am preparing “in case” of my death so that my family is not burden with the cost. A few weeks ago I spoke to an insurance person to talk about this and then agreed to get a policy. Cancelled that already. I am 56 years old and if I live 30ish more years I would have paid close to $20,000 for a plan that only pays $5000 toward my funeral. In the town my husband and I live in we could buy a house with $20,000. It would be a fixer-upper, but still! So off to the undertaker we go.

I am realizing how getting older makes me start thinking about my possible “futures.” I could live to be over 100, that would piss off my kids, I could die young like my dad who was 60, he had a heart attack, my mother’s side of the family has a history of cancer, and/or I could die of a broken heart like my Dad’s dad after my grandmother died suddenly. Ultimately, I have cursed my children with living until I am 400 years old just because I am spiteful like that. I know either or anyway I will haunt some people just for shits and giggles.

I know this is a topic that is rarely talked about because “we” as a culture see death as taboo. I attempt to have this conversation with my husband and he “doesn’t” want to talk about it. Well if he lives longer than me and there is an issue about end of life, he is not going to like my decisions. I know in my heart I don’t ever want “extreme measures” to keep me alive. No machines! No chemo, no radiation, no recitation. Unless the doctor can “Guarantee” I walk out of the hospital with all my mind sharp and my body functioning like it is suppose to, fuck you let me go!!!!

Then there is the issue of a “funeral.” I don’t want one, but my sacred mother says it is not for me, it is for my loved ones. NO! I won’t be there so why have an unneeded expense. I say grab some Champaign and go celebrate. I am outta here and no one has to worry about me anymore. I don’t see death as an ending because there is something better after this and if I am wrong so what! I am planning on being cremated and put in the ground and have a tree planted in that spot. SIMPLE!!!!! No one doesn’t even need to put a plaque or any type of marker that indicates that’s where my ashes are because I AM NOT THERE!!!!

Just got the call that confirms the appointment with the funeral director, as I am writing this. How very ironic. I do not believe in coincidences. You know, I am one of “those” people that believe that everything happens for a reason. In fact, this was a twilight show moment honestly. Dodo dodo.

Being ready really in my mind was going to be more about the need to be prepared for whatever may happen, but it has turned into me knowing that I truly know how I want to live and how I want to die. How I want to be let go. I want to make my own decisions now before I may not be able to, then the burden is placed in the hands of someone else who might make the wrong decision. Death is not scary, it is the thought of prolonged suffering that scares me. Not my own, but the people who love me. Let me die the way I want and you will never have that decision to make.

Lunatic Fringe Forever……….

My place is far away and cannot be reached by anyone but me. There are no people, no drama, it is quiet and perfect. Mainly because it is not real. In my imagination, when I close my eyes I see green as a forest in the Spring. Green as an overgrown jungle with vines growing up along the trees. My place is beautiful, full of green grass and trees the touch the sky. It is plush and soft, you could fall into the grass and sleep like a baby. The green goes for miles and miles.

My place has crystal streams that flow with such gracefulness it is like watching a ballerina. In my place there are four streams that flow into an aquamarine colored lake. The movement of the lake comes from streams flowing into it. However the lake is mysterious, it is calm. A calm where the surface of the water looks as of it never moves. The colors around the lake are reds, yellows and oranges from the flowers that grow along the banks of the lake. Beautiful roses, sunflowers and crocuses. The blooms of the flowers are so big their aroma fills the whole space. The flowers never die and reproduce themselves and the older flowers fade away.

My place is blue, royal blue of the proud sky. Proud because it stands out, the blue is mesmerizing, vibrant and clear. It wraps my place with warmth from the sun sitting in the sky and at night the moon shines along with so many stars you barely see the dark. Each sunrise and sunset is unique, the colors change and the cloud formations explode in fluff. Billowing clouds, looking as if they are coming to life. The stars in the night sky dance with joy. The moon is always full and shines its glow over the green, casting shadows of mystery.

This is my place, a place of solitude and peace. I am the only one who can get there and I go there to recharge so that I will renew the peace in my heart, mind and body. I wish I could take you with me.

Lunatic Fringe Forever…

I have a husband, am I a wife?

I have 3 children, am I a mother?

My mother is still alive, am I a daughter?

I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers, am I a sister?

I have numerous nieces and nephews, am I an aunt?

I have live 56 years, am I old?

I have lots of friends, am I a friend?

Who am I?

I have lost, I have loved, I have fallen and I got back up,

Am I strong?

I am lost in a empty space, my heart beats, my lungs fill with air.

I feel nothing. Or maybe I feel too much?

Do I care?

There is skin on my bones, I can see, hear, taste, touch and feel, but “nothing.”

Nothing

Nothing

There is no direction, no rules, no path, no expectation.

A void taking up space, an empty shell that breathes.

Who am I?

Lunatic Fringe Forever….

There is a common thread between all of us.

There are paths in our lives which each are given to take.

The paths begin our journeys of the unknown.

I came to a path in my life,

there was a fork, a spoon and a knife.

Down to the fork two paths,

one to the left and one to the right.

How do I choose, which is my way,

Do I choose left or do I choose right?

Down the spoon only one path,

It ends in a giant circle.

Do I go round and round,

Repeating everything that has kept me bound?

Down the knife path,

One straight road.

I can see no obstacles or curves,

no changes or swerves.

How do I choose?

Why would I choose?

Is my journey two paths, one path revolving on to itself or do I choose the straight path?

Paths are not singular or revolving or straight,

Paths create.

Paths update.

Paths penetrate.

Paths translate, inflate, conjugate, collaborate, and integrate.

Now it’s up to you and me to figure out how to motivate.

Lunatic Fringe Forever!!!!!

You know that feeling that the world is caving in on you? Well it may not be the world, but it is a big hill. I had been rear ended in 2016 and in the accident I tore my meniscus in my left Knee. Just some background. Anyway, the other day I was really energetic so I thought I would clean. All good until I got on the floor to do something and when I started to get off the floor my knee made a unfamiliar sound and I screamed in pain. The swelling has gone down, but the pain is a bitch and I have to use my cane to walk most of the time. It sucks.

Which leads me to my pity party. I hate pain, it interferes with what I want to do and it makes things 100 times harder. I am depressed. I feel like a failure. I am stupid(for getting on the floor in the first place). I know better. I can’t do anything right. My kids still haven’t talked to me, but I had conversation with my “GURU” brother. He told me that if I just “OWN” the trauma I caused my children while they were growing up maybe that is all they want. If I wasn’t as healthy as I am now I know my head would be spinning and I would be projectile vomiting unkind words at my brother and don’t think I didn’t want to because I was biting my tongue.

Own what I did, FUCK YOU! I am their mother and I did the best I could in the situation I was dealing with. Yes, they didn’t ask to be here, well they were and I tried. Enough of this, I am feeling sorry for myself and not in the mood to consider anyone else’s feelings. But in my children’s eyes I am a BADDDDDD mother. An absent mother. You have to know the whole story and I am trying to get the courage up to put that in writing. I think I have given some blog time to that subject, but hitting the deep story is too painful to face right now. So there!

Secondly, I have Fibromyalgia and I am in chronic pain every day of my life which adds insult to injury. Being careful and cautious when my whole life has been working hard and being organized. I’m tired all the time and doing anything takes twice as long. I have gotten used to taking a week to complete a task that took me a day to do before. My brain says “Let’s do this” and my body says “Fuck you!” When did I get old, when did my body start working against me? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

I could go on complaining, but where does that get me? I hate complaining because it makes me feel worse and it is “Counter-Productive” I hate that too. Big eye roll! I know every arm chair psychologist will tell me that it is “hate speech” and I need to re-enforce the good things I do so that I can be in a positive state of mind.”OH JOY.” It is better for your all around health. Yeah, well not today Bucko! I am a poor excuse for a human being and I will be happy tomorrow or the next day. I have had enough of “Happy” people, don’t cheer me up. Now I have a headache, shit. Just another wonderful thing to add to the list.

*Disclaimer: Yes I feel these things, but I only give myself 24 hours to feel sorry for myself and then it is back to business. I know that I have bad days and everyone has them, it is just how you choose to deal with the issues. I don’t say “problem” too much any more because not all things are problems they are challenges. I believe that this is my challenge and I have to face it and deal with it, fix it if I can. And maybe, I don’t give a fuck and the end.

Lunatic Fringe Forever………..

I have had a time of transition in the last few months that I wish to God things could have been different. The thing is there has been several deaths in my husband’s family and it is just now calming down, crossing my fingers! It remains to be seen that life will continue back to the peacefulness I moved to far away from the chaos of the “City.”

I used the word transition because of the idea that not only do humans evolve they transition. We as humans have complexity and depth. I see it in each person’s perception of their own existence. OK so I am getting existential. I’m feeling philosophical of late and I figured it’s making me look educated. I am educated, but I have learned in my years that I just need to KISS: “Keep it Simple Stupid!”

Transition is defined as the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. Happy to sad, bad to good or green to red. So here for me it has been alive to dead. It was so surreal because one of the people that died I saw them earlier the same day. I spoke to the person. I was dumbstruck. How does this happen. I walked into the house the person was living and was waiting to see them. It was just an empty feeling.

Now is the transition through grief and that sucks. Not so much for me, but I was on the support team, you know the ones that listens to the ones left behind cry. The hardest thing for me was watching a person I love grieve and cry. There is nothing I could do because I knew this is their journey and I am just a rider on the train. (Riding on a train is a great visual when speaking of a person’s journey.) I use it a lot.

At this point I feel as though I am babbling along like blah blah blah…. I know that I will address transition again because of the many ways in which humans develop and change. I just am exhausted and I told myself that I needed to write today or I would never do it and I may even be back later. Lots of “STUFF” on my mind.

Lunatic Fringe Forever………

Let me speak my words,

for they are wisdom.

Let me sing my song,

for it is joyful.

Let me give of myself,

for I give love.

Wisdom, Joy, Love…….

Allow me to give to you, for I will give you strength.

Strength to see your Wisdom.

Strength to see your Joy.

The Love you have to give,

For you are Hope for others…………..

Lunatic Fringe Forever……………….

For all you do,

For a you have done,

You have had the chance to do so much and you did it.

You can do anything you want to do,

You think, you dream, you discover, you do.

Take it slow, breathe, and work on what you want.

Reach out, touch the stars, grab for that future and ride the dream all the way!

OK, so this is not so bad because I have found my old writings. Some of it is a little ris’k for this blog so I may have to start another one or just become a romance novelist. Yeah, my husband was truly surprised that I could be so imaginative. Most women can write romance novels if they got together and it would be a best seller.

The last post, “The Beauty of You,” was a poemish thing I wrote for an old boyfriend. I edited it to be more inclusive for all. I was looking over a lot of my old stuff and I figured it would not be too bad if I shared them. I will probably be doing some editing and posting a lot in the near future. I feel like if I just leave them in the notebook they will just get thrown away when I die. Yes, my children are still not talking to me and it has been two + years for my son and almost a year for my girls. I guess they will hate me forever.

I shared that information with a close friend yesterday and we both cried. And then she told me something that I never knew she thought. She said, “I don’t understand why your children are being so mean to you, you are the kindest, most loving person I know.” I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know about you, but I never really think about how I come across to people. I never wonder what impact I have in people’s lives. So when she said that I was speechless.

I digress, going through the past, is hard for me and it is probably hard for most people. OK, so when there is a mental health issue, illness whatever, it can lead a person down a rabbit hole, so to speak. Since one of my promises has been to not lie, which I don’t believe in lying for any reason, I have to say some of the things I have written will probably trigger some memories or push the limits of my therapy.

There are times in our lives that it is necessary to revisit the past. My main motivation is and always has been to allow “people” into my brain, space, world etc. It is important that “people” not only read the words, but see the story from the eyes of this (me) crazy person. Not everything is pretty or butterflies and rainbows. I hate that saying because rainbows and butterflies are my very favorite things. Fairies, gnomes, ogres, flowers, and most of all TREES!

I almost wrote, someday when I am healthy, bullshit, I am evolving. So as time passes I will face each trigger with strength and honor because I really want to post my old writings. Going to the Past will be an adventure and I will document the process so that maybe not you, but me can learn to express the truth behind the trigger that may cause a dive. Or a dip in my “Emotional Stability.” That is a psychological term. “Not a doctor of psychology, yet, but I play one in my dreams!”

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………………..