Abandonment

I was raised in a large family and at times it was the greatest gift. Today I am 57 years old and have experienced a whole lot of life that has not been so great. I am struggling with “the family,” because we are not communicating clearly. I take responsibility for the rift and I can’t make “them” understand how I am feeling. I love my family and they say they love me. OK, actions speak louder than words in my little world. That is probably the problem, my “family” has never wanted to come to my little world. I don’t think anyone would want to visit honestly.

My family is now spread all over the country and we usually only spend time with our own families. Since my children have decided I am not worthy of their love or their time, they spend their time with the rest of the family. My family is good with that.

My whole life I have felt as though I never fit in, I have said I am an outcast, but the family gets defensive and it becomes a disagreement. “Oh NO, Felicia, that is all in your mind!” Well yes it is! When I was around 5 years old I had to be in the hospital because I had a disease in my hip. I was taken to a hospital in Philadelphia, PA. It was about 3 hours away from where we lived at the time. So every time my parents came to visit it was only on the weekends and only for a few hours. Then they went home and left me, I remember crying all alone.

I have never shared this story because I guess my brain put it away so I would not remember the trauma of abandonment. I was scared and alone.

I always have done my own thing, even when my decisions weren’t the best. I have mentioned that I am a survivor of a battering relationship. I made a mistake and now I am paying for it. But that is not why I am talking about it. I was alone every time I was beaten, but my family and friends remind me that they tried to help me. I know and I appreciate all they did, but there was a time when I received a letter from my mother telling me how much the situation was hurting her and that she had to distance herself from me because she was not strong enough to continue to watch what was going on. Abandoned again. But I am supposed to forget and forgive. I know how stupid my decisions were, I knew that I was hurting my family. It was not on purpose. I was threatened being told that leaving would put my children and my mother in danger. By that Time I was talking to no friends and no family.

So finally I have found a wonderful husband and my life is going good; however in the last 13 years I have had issues. Tried to kill myself 7 times. That’s a problem. My brain decided to wage war with me. That’s the only way I can describe the chaos that went on up there. Some people thought I was just trying to get attention, I only wish it was that easy. I still can’t explain why, but “doctor” said that I have been blessed with a chemical imbalance. WooHoo fun!

Being around people is hard especially when they know what I have done. Or have known me my whole life because I feel like they expect to catch what I have. My “family” tries so hard to make me believe that everything is my flawed perception. I still feel the tension in the air and there is no denying the feeling of being alone in a crowd.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to make it different. I have worked hard to make myself “normal” or better, how much do I have to do to prove that I am better or worthy. I feel like I am in a life boat floating in the middle of the ocean and there is not a rescue boat, airplane anywhere. Thank God for my husband.

It is so hard being crazy because even with improvement I am made to feel that it is not enough so people stay away from me. Abandonment!

Lunatic Fringe Forever………………..

True Crime

What do you do when it’s your child missing? I lost it. COMPLETELY! On Tuesday night, two day ago, my daughter went missing. No one had seen her and by morning on Wednesday my son had to go to the police station and file a missing person’s report. For the last 24 hours I have been waiting by the phone for any updates on her whereabouts. What do I do? She is in Alabama and I am in Missouri. I feel so helpless.

She is 32 years old and her own person, but I am still her mother. I know she hates me right now because of past shit. Things I truly had not a lot of control over. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her with all my heart. I would do anything for my children. I miss them everyday and pray that they are happy.

What do you do when it is your child that is missing? Of course, I spent most of the day watching “True Crime” stories. In fact binge watching American Justice. Jesus, all the stories were about missing girls. I am sick. WTF, I am so far away and I can’t even talk to her. God she needs to come home. She needs to be alive and OK. There is nothing so heart-retching then to be told your daughter is missing and no one has seen her in days.

The phone rings and I am told they “think” they found her. Well fuck bring her home! You she is out there scared and alone, help her. Get her back to the people that love her. ME! I love her! I need her to be safe and happy. I need her home. Find her!

I prayed that my children would not inherit my crazy. I was told she has been off her medication for awhile and she is on a binge. NOOOOOOOOOOO! This is so wrong. I didn’t want my kids suffering it not their burden to carry. I tried I really tried to be a good mom, to love them and provide for them. I really tried! Why did this happen?

I could not protect them and now I wait by the phone, crying, feeling helpless and that I have failed her. I thought I did the best I could and I failed her.

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………….

Reflection

It is always when I am in the shower when I get those melancholy feelings. I guess it is easier to cry in the shower. This morning is no different. I started thinking about my family and all the bullshit that has happened in the last several years. Let’s see: I have attempted suicide 6 times and the last time I almost succeeded, my children blame me for their “lives” problems, I’m not sure what I did except try to be a good mom. Yes, there is more to that story. I was in an abusive relationship when my son was small and my daughters were born during that time. On top of this I am not speaking to my mother because she LIED to me. Of course, she tells me she did not lie she just DIDN’T tell. OMISSION is a LIE!!! This is the third or fourth time I have argued with my mother. I feel she owes me an apology, but she thinks that she didn’t do anything that she needs to apologize to me for. OK!

Now that it is the middle of October and the holidays are coming, I made the executive decision to not participate in any of my family celebrations and I told my family to take me off their Christmas lists because I truly want nothing from them. I text them yesterday and not one person had anything to respond. So now I am going to looked at as a “drama queen.” OMG, why is it that being crazy gets you put into the drama queen category? The arguments I have had with my family has been because I do not agree with what they think is right. In any situation. So then I am that CRAZY person. That person I was before I have fought and worked to be better. No, I am seen as not in my right mind. Do you even know how it feels to be discarded because you don’t agree or you make a logical argument and you are seen as incompetent.

My husband and I moved to a small town to get away from the drama. Sometimes it is great and other times, the silence is deafening. I feel so alone. I never thought that in my life I would be so disconnected from my family. I used to talk to my mom everyday and now all she has to do is say she is sorry, NOPE! Never going to happen, so my siblings “circle the wagons” to protect mom because I am the one seen as bad, wrong, crazy! I am not the one that lied.

If you have never had your children abandon you, completely cutting you out of their lives, it is devastating. I am so sad because up until three years ago I had a decent relationship with each of my children. It was like overnight everything went to shit. I woke up and I was the evil mother. Why won’t they talk to me? I know it was hard when they were growing, but I know I tried my best to be a good mom. I know that there were times when I was an Ogre and I have tried hard to make up for that, but I have not been given any opportunity to plead my case. No they just cut me off.

My family still has relationships with my children, but do they say anything to my kids about how they are treating me, fuck no. Why? Because they want to keep the line of communication open with my kids. While I am shunned for standing up for myself. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Venting cleanses the soul, NO! I was reflecting on the holidays and how different it will be this year. I always go over the top for my whole family and this year I am doing NOTHING!

I wrote a post called “Misfit,” it talked about how I feel disconnected from my family and that I don’t fit in with them. I know now that it is truly my reality. I don’t fit and sometimes I feel that I don’t fit anywhere. Misfit, outcast, crazy, incompetent or simply not worth peoples time. Granted I do like being alone, but this is a crushing feeling. Knowing that I am unworthy of even the smallest amount of kindness from my family. I get more respect from strangers then I get from my own family.

I’m sorry for my pity-party, I just had to get it out or I was going to explode. There are too many good things in my life right now even without my family’s presence. I need to focus and reflect on the positives. Today is going to be a good day! I refuse to allow myself to wallow in self-pity!

Thank-you all!

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………

A Whole New World

I am on an adventure! For people that know me that is the best thing ever! I have grown to love the journey to new and exciting things.

First, I am sharing my weekly videos that I do here on my blog. I started doing live informational videos on Facebook about 9 months ago and so I am proud of my work and am looking to send it out to a bigger audience.

Second, I am expanding myself to possibly doing in person speaking to different groups, ie: churches, AA groups and maybe some civics groups. Not sure, but open to the possibilities.

And finally, I have a dream on my bucket list to go and do a “open mike night” at a comedy club. Who knows I may have a new career? HAHAHAHA!

Lunatic Fringe Forever!!!!