I was raised in a large family and at times it was the greatest gift. Today I am 57 years old and have experienced a whole lot of life that has not been so great. I am struggling with “the family,” because we are not communicating clearly. I take responsibility for the rift and I can’t make “them” understand how I am feeling. I love my family and they say they love me. OK, actions speak louder than words in my little world. That is probably the problem, my “family” has never wanted to come to my little world. I don’t think anyone would want to visit honestly.

My family is now spread all over the country and we usually only spend time with our own families. Since my children have decided I am not worthy of their love or their time, they spend their time with the rest of the family. My family is good with that.

My whole life I have felt as though I never fit in, I have said I am an outcast, but the family gets defensive and it becomes a disagreement. “Oh NO, Felicia, that is all in your mind!” Well yes it is! When I was around 5 years old I had to be in the hospital because I had a disease in my hip. I was taken to a hospital in Philadelphia, PA. It was about 3 hours away from where we lived at the time. So every time my parents came to visit it was only on the weekends and only for a few hours. Then they went home and left me, I remember crying all alone.

I have never shared this story because I guess my brain put it away so I would not remember the trauma of abandonment. I was scared and alone.

I always have done my own thing, even when my decisions weren’t the best. I have mentioned that I am a survivor of a battering relationship. I made a mistake and now I am paying for it. But that is not why I am talking about it. I was alone every time I was beaten, but my family and friends remind me that they tried to help me. I know and I appreciate all they did, but there was a time when I received a letter from my mother telling me how much the situation was hurting her and that she had to distance herself from me because she was not strong enough to continue to watch what was going on. Abandoned again. But I am supposed to forget and forgive. I know how stupid my decisions were, I knew that I was hurting my family. It was not on purpose. I was threatened being told that leaving would put my children and my mother in danger. By that Time I was talking to no friends and no family.

So finally I have found a wonderful husband and my life is going good; however in the last 13 years I have had issues. Tried to kill myself 7 times. That’s a problem. My brain decided to wage war with me. That’s the only way I can describe the chaos that went on up there. Some people thought I was just trying to get attention, I only wish it was that easy. I still can’t explain why, but “doctor” said that I have been blessed with a chemical imbalance. WooHoo fun!

Being around people is hard especially when they know what I have done. Or have known me my whole life because I feel like they expect to catch what I have. My “family” tries so hard to make me believe that everything is my flawed perception. I still feel the tension in the air and there is no denying the feeling of being alone in a crowd.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to make it different. I have worked hard to make myself “normal” or better, how much do I have to do to prove that I am better or worthy. I feel like I am in a life boat floating in the middle of the ocean and there is not a rescue boat, airplane anywhere. Thank God for my husband.

It is so hard being crazy because even with improvement I am made to feel that it is not enough so people stay away from me. Abandonment!

Lunatic Fringe Forever………………..

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