It is always when I am in the shower when I get those melancholy feelings. I guess it is easier to cry in the shower. This morning is no different. I started thinking about my family and all the bullshit that has happened in the last several years. Let’s see: I have attempted suicide 6 times and the last time I almost succeeded, my children blame me for their “lives” problems, I’m not sure what I did except try to be a good mom. Yes, there is more to that story. I was in an abusive relationship when my son was small and my daughters were born during that time. On top of this I am not speaking to my mother because she LIED to me. Of course, she tells me she did not lie she just DIDN’T tell. OMISSION is a LIE!!! This is the third or fourth time I have argued with my mother. I feel she owes me an apology, but she thinks that she didn’t do anything that she needs to apologize to me for. OK!
Now that it is the middle of October and the holidays are coming, I made the executive decision to not participate in any of my family celebrations and I told my family to take me off their Christmas lists because I truly want nothing from them. I text them yesterday and not one person had anything to respond. So now I am going to looked at as a “drama queen.” OMG, why is it that being crazy gets you put into the drama queen category? The arguments I have had with my family has been because I do not agree with what they think is right. In any situation. So then I am that CRAZY person. That person I was before I have fought and worked to be better. No, I am seen as not in my right mind. Do you even know how it feels to be discarded because you don’t agree or you make a logical argument and you are seen as incompetent.
My husband and I moved to a small town to get away from the drama. Sometimes it is great and other times, the silence is deafening. I feel so alone. I never thought that in my life I would be so disconnected from my family. I used to talk to my mom everyday and now all she has to do is say she is sorry, NOPE! Never going to happen, so my siblings “circle the wagons” to protect mom because I am the one seen as bad, wrong, crazy! I am not the one that lied.
If you have never had your children abandon you, completely cutting you out of their lives, it is devastating. I am so sad because up until three years ago I had a decent relationship with each of my children. It was like overnight everything went to shit. I woke up and I was the evil mother. Why won’t they talk to me? I know it was hard when they were growing, but I know I tried my best to be a good mom. I know that there were times when I was an Ogre and I have tried hard to make up for that, but I have not been given any opportunity to plead my case. No they just cut me off.
My family still has relationships with my children, but do they say anything to my kids about how they are treating me, fuck no. Why? Because they want to keep the line of communication open with my kids. While I am shunned for standing up for myself. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Venting cleanses the soul, NO! I was reflecting on the holidays and how different it will be this year. I always go over the top for my whole family and this year I am doing NOTHING!
I wrote a post called “Misfit,” it talked about how I feel disconnected from my family and that I don’t fit in with them. I know now that it is truly my reality. I don’t fit and sometimes I feel that I don’t fit anywhere. Misfit, outcast, crazy, incompetent or simply not worth peoples time. Granted I do like being alone, but this is a crushing feeling. Knowing that I am unworthy of even the smallest amount of kindness from my family. I get more respect from strangers then I get from my own family.
I’m sorry for my pity-party, I just had to get it out or I was going to explode. There are too many good things in my life right now even without my family’s presence. I need to focus and reflect on the positives. Today is going to be a good day! I refuse to allow myself to wallow in self-pity!
Lunatic Fringe Forever…………