I Miss You

There are people in our lives that are special. They have touched our hearts, our minds, they have let us cry or scream, they have sat with us in our quiet times and laughed with us. Then they are gone. Taken to a “better” place. Or have moved away. Or they have betrayed us. But deep inside they are missed. They took root in our hearts and in our minds. There is no way to turn that off.

I miss my grandmother, she died in 1993. She was my protector, my shelter, my Gram! She always knew what to say to me and she never walked away from me even when I was in my darkest days. She was my warm hugs, my put my head on her lap crying while she rubbed my hair. She never judged me and gave me so much love. And now when I need her the most she is gone. I still talk to her, I wake up every morning to her picture on my vanity. We are smiling and I remember when that picture was taken. I was living in a homeless shelter with my son because I had gotten away from an abusive man. Gram stood by me and always loved me. I miss you.

I have kept phone numbers of people I have lost. In fact, my sweet Sr. Mark passed away last year and I still have her contact information in my phone. I know it is silly, but I CAN’T delete it. I miss her. She was my “Red Phone” to God. If I needed prayers for anything she had me covered. Sr. Mark was my dear friend and became another person I knew I could depend on when I needed someone to listen. She was tough and she never let me get away with anything. I remember admitting to her that I was suicidal and had gone to the hospital because I harmed myself. I think that was the first time I have ever seen her cry. That was the worst feeling ever knowing I disappointed her. But she gave me a stern talking to and made me promise to do better. I told her I would try and I did. It killed me that I was not able to see her before she died because of this fucking pandemic. I had not spoken to her in several months because she was not able to answer my calls. I had to watch the funeral on live stream on the computer. All I really wanted was to hug her one more time. I miss you…..

I am so angry, mad, God has been taking “My” people. I know that is silly, but it is painful. Now I have to face that another of my friends, my other mother, mom is dying. She is on hospice because of an infection in her colon that can not be fixed. I have called for updates and she is being medicated for the pain so she is comfortable. I am not even sure she is coherent. I am going to try and visit with her. The one thing we agreed on is that I will take care of her hair after she dies. That will be my gift to her. Mom is someone I would get to see every three weeks for a haircut and a hug. She was like my grandmother in that she never judged me and always had loving words for me. She listened and loved me unconditionally. Now I have to watch her die. My heart is breaking and I know that I will miss her. Horribly.

This one is my own mother. She is alive, living with my sister. For the most part she is healthy and probably has a lot of life left. However, we are not speaking to each other because I gave her an ultimatum. The story is that my children have rejected me completely, not wanting anything to do with me. I received a letter from my son and oldest daughter that stated it. My husband said it sounded like something you would receive from a lawyer the way it was written. Well I was hysterical and heart broken. I text my family and said it was me or them. If anyone wanted to have me in their lives they would have to stop talking to my children. Well that went over like a lead balloon with my mother. So when we spoke on the phone, she said “how dare I make her choose!” And I am not sure what else was said except me telling her that it was bullshit her continuing to defend my children and if she wasn’t going to support me then “Fuck you!” and i hung up the phone.

My relationship with my mother has always been very close and I miss her. We spoke on the phone every day and talked about nothing. I checked on her, knowing she and I share the fact that we have fibromyalgia. And not just that I would check on her because she is 84 years old.

I miss her, I had some really good things happening in my life and I wanted to share the news, but we are not speaking. I miss you. I am hurt that you continue to support the kids as they abuse me. It may not be a physical abuse, but the rejection and the fact that they blame me for their “Bad childhood?” not even truly sure what they are talking about, my mother says she wants to keep the lines of communication open. Fuck that…..Not one person in my family challenges my children’s behavior toward me, in fact I have been told that my children still want their mother, I just need to be more empathetic to them. Fuck that too….I am their mother and that’s what throws me. If I treated my mother similarly I would be called on the carpet for it.

But I miss her, I miss you Mom! Why can’t you understand how I feel? Why can’t someone in my family stand up for me? I am not the same person!

I miss my children……I miss you….

I miss you………….

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………..

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