Resentment

This is defined as: bitter “indignation” at having been treated unfairly.

Indignation is defined as: anger or annoyance provoked by what is “perceived” as being treated unfairly.

Resentment is also seen as a “negative emotional” reaction to being mistreated. It is a choice; for example, holding a grudge. It also doesn’t go away on it’s own, there has to be some kind of resolution or meeting of the minds over what the problem may be.

So I’m pissed off because I have been treated unfairly, but I will never have any type of resolution or just a basic acknowledgement for my “negative emotional reaction to being treated unfairly,” because not one person that I have these negative emotional reactions about even will listen so I can calmly let out how I feel.

Oh I tried! At first I was trying to just factually explain the examples of times that I was treated unfairly and the conversation turned into me “attacking” “blaming” and “persecuting” the “other” person I was speaking to. (Names will be excluded to protect the innocent and or the guilty).

I can’t throw anyone under the bus anymore because I do not want to offend or in this case make it any worse than it already is. And trust when I say this, I want to SCREAM because I am truly tired of the “people” in my life saying they see my improvements, how much better I am after all the mental, emotional roller coaster I have been on and proud they are that I have worked so hard at keeping myself “normal.” Whatever, I am a crazy person, living with a mental illness using skills I learned in my therapies to help me survive in this life. I am doing great, thank you.

However, even as many times I am told how great and that “they” see a change, the minute, second I have any ANY emotional response to ANY given situation that is not in the perimeters of “Normal” or “Healthy” response, well it’s back to “she is over dramatic, over the top, not taking her medicine. It is seen as my digression back to the sick girl I was long time ago.

How can I even get fair treatment if I am continually seen as “mental or over emotional?” So I resent it. Plain and simple, because I will never be seen as competent I will always be classed as Borderline Personality Disorder. Felicia has left the building and in her place is BPD. It will never go away. So the resolution to my resentment won’t happen because I will never get to speak my peace. It is because there is a preconception that I will be combative and confrontational. I may not be combative but I sure as hell am going to confrontational. Why should I not speak the I want and what I feel?

I hate double standards. OK, example, I received a letter once when I was living with an abusive man. The contents of the letter was an ultimatum. “Me or Him?” Well at the time I was at a point of no return because “He” would threaten to hurt my son or my mother if I tried to leave him. I couldn’t tell anybody and I was scared. This example is an extreme. Well I gave the “person” who sent me that letter a similar ultimatum, “ME or Them.” however, the response I got was “how dare you make me choose!!!!!! That is so unfair!!!!! I love you both!!!! blah blah blah!!!!!!”

The issue around the ultimatum I gave was similar in that I am being abused by “something,’ and the “person” I gave the ultimatum to states that they don’t want to close off any communication with the “something.” My response was that if you are communicating with the “something” then you are enforcing and supporting the abuse. I feel I made a logical and rational assessment to the situation, but it was seen as a personal attack and I was told that if I was going to “use the person as a whipping post” the conversation was over. WOW!

I know this is so vague, but I can’t truly explain it because really the situation is so ugly and I have not spoken to the “person” for several weeks. The crazy thing is my husband is defending me and says that he cannot believe what the “person” is thinking. If nothing else my husband and I are now in a real good place. (Silver Lining).

I started talking about resentment and I hope I showed an example of how I am being treated unfairly. I DON’T want to be resentful. I want to resolve this, but I don’t believe I will ever be more than Borderline Personality Disorder to “people” I need to resolve these issues with and that is the sad situation. I’m mad, no I’m PISSED, I’m angry, I’m HURT. I feel betrayed and I deserve to be heard. That’s all, being heard!!! So what if I raise my voice, so what if my words are offensive and may even be unkind. This hurt has been around for a long time. There is nothing FAIR about being treated unfairly and take “your” that’s your perception shit and go smoke it. That is not what I wanted to say but I don’t want to be uglier.

I try really hard to give people the benefit if the doubt, so in this case I was hoping that I would get the same consideration because “they” know me. I was hoping for an open dialog expressing my true feelings in a neutral setting so that “no one” would feel it was a personal attack. Well that is where I am, I made an attempt to explain the way I feel and it was taken as a personal attack. Sorry about your misconception.

Resentment, indignation, anger, annoyance, provoked, perceived, Negative Emotional Reaction, Holding a Grudge……….. How about I feel that “I” am not treated the way others are treated and not in a good way. Or What is good for the goose most definitely is not good for the gander. Perception is the key, I say it is the actions of another witnessed to the treatment of others differently. The blatant favoring of one over another or doing something in regards of someone else but not giving that same regards to another. Why would anybody ever feel resentment if it was equal across the board? I have not experienced “Equality.”

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………

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