Resentment

A feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair.

This is a feeling I am learning how to “handle.” It pisses me off that people can misjudge me and know I am working diligently to make myself a better person. It sits in the pit of my stomach and just eats it way through my body. It feels like a fireball moving through me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. “I’m Better, I’m doing the work to improve my thoughts, I am trying!” Is it good enough? Who do I have to impress? It is not fair to be made to feel that I am the same person I was before therapy. Before I………?

Stress, anger, depression, sadness, those are easier now to control. Resentment, fuck that! It takes a hold and stays. I have been told that “It is only my perception” of a situation and there may be another way of looking at things. OK, tell how to feel when you know in your heart you are being treated unfairly, that the treatment of all who are involved in a situation is equal across the board. No one can tell me that “people” are that self-aware that they treat everyone the same. I don’t even do that and I know that I try.

Then when I want to address my feelings, there are “ground rules” that I have to follow so no one feels attacked. I feel attacked, I feel that I was unfairly treated, why do I have to be nice? I am a honest person and I am confrontational, sure, but this is an injustice I feel needs to be discussed even if I have to hurt someone’s feelings. My feelings are hurt. I know I will be told that “it was not intentional” on the part of the other people involved to hurt my feelings. Well it did and I need to let them know that what was said and what was done was hurtful and unfair.

The bottom line here is that I have a mental illness. That is the “reason” my perceptions are wrong. (Sarcasm!) I know that I don’t think clearly sometimes, but wrong is wrong and my mental illness is no reason to devalue my feelings. I know I am not perfect and God knows that I am trying my best to take care of myself. The problem is that I have had to repress my feelings so that “others” are not offended or hurt. Isn’t that a 2 way street? Just because I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder means that I will not receive the same consideration as the next person?

There have been moments in my life when situations have happened that I have addressed the unfairness, but I was angry and enraged that my emotions got the best of me and I was unable to express myself clearly. So now that I want to deal with the issues I have to “play nice.” FINE! All I want is the same consideration when it comes to my feelings. These issues are not pretty and they even may be petty, but they are mine and they are making me sick.

The poem, LISTEN, that I shared was a way I could express the feeling. I just want to be heard and respected. My illness is not ME! There is a human inside this body that has real, true feelings. I may not always be able to express myself “appropriately,” but that doesn’t mean someone can judge me. (Because of my illness and my past behavior!) There is a difference in drudging up the past and needing to resolve my resentment. The past is the past, but the resentment lingers.

There are tooooooooooo many situations that have been swept away under the rug and now they are coming to the surface. I am distracted by the sickness. I want to release this shit and move on. I want to be heard and respected.

I’m screaming, can you hear me!!!!!

Lunatic Fringe Forever……………..

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