Being Ready

I’m visiting with the funeral director today to talk about burial plans. I’m not dying, I am preparing “in case” of my death so that my family is not burden with the cost. A few weeks ago I spoke to an insurance person to talk about this and then agreed to get a policy. Cancelled that already. I am 56 years old and if I live 30ish more years I would have paid close to $20,000 for a plan that only pays $5000 toward my funeral. In the town my husband and I live in we could buy a house with $20,000. It would be a fixer-upper, but still! So off to the undertaker we go.

I am realizing how getting older makes me start thinking about my possible “futures.” I could live to be over 100, that would piss off my kids, I could die young like my dad who was 60, he had a heart attack, my mother’s side of the family has a history of cancer, and/or I could die of a broken heart like my Dad’s dad after my grandmother died suddenly. Ultimately, I have cursed my children with living until I am 400 years old just because I am spiteful like that. I know either or anyway I will haunt some people just for shits and giggles.

I know this is a topic that is rarely talked about because “we” as a culture see death as taboo. I attempt to have this conversation with my husband and he “doesn’t” want to talk about it. Well if he lives longer than me and there is an issue about end of life, he is not going to like my decisions. I know in my heart I don’t ever want “extreme measures” to keep me alive. No machines! No chemo, no radiation, no recitation. Unless the doctor can “Guarantee” I walk out of the hospital with all my mind sharp and my body functioning like it is suppose to, fuck you let me go!!!!

Then there is the issue of a “funeral.” I don’t want one, but my sacred mother says it is not for me, it is for my loved ones. NO! I won’t be there so why have an unneeded expense. I say grab some Champaign and go celebrate. I am outta here and no one has to worry about me anymore. I don’t see death as an ending because there is something better after this and if I am wrong so what! I am planning on being cremated and put in the ground and have a tree planted in that spot. SIMPLE!!!!! No one doesn’t even need to put a plaque or any type of marker that indicates that’s where my ashes are because I AM NOT THERE!!!!

Just got the call that confirms the appointment with the funeral director, as I am writing this. How very ironic. I do not believe in coincidences. You know, I am one of “those” people that believe that everything happens for a reason. In fact, this was a twilight show moment honestly. Dodo dodo.

Being ready really in my mind was going to be more about the need to be prepared for whatever may happen, but it has turned into me knowing that I truly know how I want to live and how I want to die. How I want to be let go. I want to make my own decisions now before I may not be able to, then the burden is placed in the hands of someone else who might make the wrong decision. Death is not scary, it is the thought of prolonged suffering that scares me. Not my own, but the people who love me. Let me die the way I want and you will never have that decision to make.

Lunatic Fringe Forever……….