You know that feeling that the world is caving in on you? Well it may not be the world, but it is a big hill. I had been rear ended in 2016 and in the accident I tore my meniscus in my left Knee. Just some background. Anyway, the other day I was really energetic so I thought I would clean. All good until I got on the floor to do something and when I started to get off the floor my knee made a unfamiliar sound and I screamed in pain. The swelling has gone down, but the pain is a bitch and I have to use my cane to walk most of the time. It sucks.
Which leads me to my pity party. I hate pain, it interferes with what I want to do and it makes things 100 times harder. I am depressed. I feel like a failure. I am stupid(for getting on the floor in the first place). I know better. I can’t do anything right. My kids still haven’t talked to me, but I had conversation with my “GURU” brother. He told me that if I just “OWN” the trauma I caused my children while they were growing up maybe that is all they want. If I wasn’t as healthy as I am now I know my head would be spinning and I would be projectile vomiting unkind words at my brother and don’t think I didn’t want to because I was biting my tongue.
Own what I did, FUCK YOU! I am their mother and I did the best I could in the situation I was dealing with. Yes, they didn’t ask to be here, well they were and I tried. Enough of this, I am feeling sorry for myself and not in the mood to consider anyone else’s feelings. But in my children’s eyes I am a BADDDDDD mother. An absent mother. You have to know the whole story and I am trying to get the courage up to put that in writing. I think I have given some blog time to that subject, but hitting the deep story is too painful to face right now. So there!
Secondly, I have Fibromyalgia and I am in chronic pain every day of my life which adds insult to injury. Being careful and cautious when my whole life has been working hard and being organized. I’m tired all the time and doing anything takes twice as long. I have gotten used to taking a week to complete a task that took me a day to do before. My brain says “Let’s do this” and my body says “Fuck you!” When did I get old, when did my body start working against me? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
I could go on complaining, but where does that get me? I hate complaining because it makes me feel worse and it is “Counter-Productive” I hate that too. Big eye roll! I know every arm chair psychologist will tell me that it is “hate speech” and I need to re-enforce the good things I do so that I can be in a positive state of mind.”OH JOY.” It is better for your all around health. Yeah, well not today Bucko! I am a poor excuse for a human being and I will be happy tomorrow or the next day. I have had enough of “Happy” people, don’t cheer me up. Now I have a headache, shit. Just another wonderful thing to add to the list.
*Disclaimer: Yes I feel these things, but I only give myself 24 hours to feel sorry for myself and then it is back to business. I know that I have bad days and everyone has them, it is just how you choose to deal with the issues. I don’t say “problem” too much any more because not all things are problems they are challenges. I believe that this is my challenge and I have to face it and deal with it, fix it if I can. And maybe, I don’t give a fuck and the end.
Lunatic Fringe Forever………..