Going through the past

OK, so this is not so bad because I have found my old writings. Some of it is a little ris’k for this blog so I may have to start another one or just become a romance novelist. Yeah, my husband was truly surprised that I could be so imaginative. Most women can write romance novels if they got together and it would be a best seller.

The last post, “The Beauty of You,” was a poemish thing I wrote for an old boyfriend. I edited it to be more inclusive for all. I was looking over a lot of my old stuff and I figured it would not be too bad if I shared them. I will probably be doing some editing and posting a lot in the near future. I feel like if I just leave them in the notebook they will just get thrown away when I die. Yes, my children are still not talking to me and it has been two + years for my son and almost a year for my girls. I guess they will hate me forever.

I shared that information with a close friend yesterday and we both cried. And then she told me something that I never knew she thought. She said, “I don’t understand why your children are being so mean to you, you are the kindest, most loving person I know.” I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know about you, but I never really think about how I come across to people. I never wonder what impact I have in people’s lives. So when she said that I was speechless.

I digress, going through the past, is hard for me and it is probably hard for most people. OK, so when there is a mental health issue, illness whatever, it can lead a person down a rabbit hole, so to speak. Since one of my promises has been to not lie, which I don’t believe in lying for any reason, I have to say some of the things I have written will probably trigger some memories or push the limits of my therapy.

There are times in our lives that it is necessary to revisit the past. My main motivation is and always has been to allow “people” into my brain, space, world etc. It is important that “people” not only read the words, but see the story from the eyes of this (me) crazy person. Not everything is pretty or butterflies and rainbows. I hate that saying because rainbows and butterflies are my very favorite things. Fairies, gnomes, ogres, flowers, and most of all TREES!

I almost wrote, someday when I am healthy, bullshit, I am evolving. So as time passes I will face each trigger with strength and honor because I really want to post my old writings. Going to the Past will be an adventure and I will document the process so that maybe not you, but me can learn to express the truth behind the trigger that may cause a dive. Or a dip in my “Emotional Stability.” That is a psychological term. “Not a doctor of psychology, yet, but I play one in my dreams!”

Lunatic Fringe Forever…………………..

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