Happy Mother’s Day

I became a mother at 19 years old with my first child. I had written in a final essay in high school that I wanted to become pregnant, have a child and go rule the world. I may have not ruled the world but I did have this beautiful son. As far as I was concerned he was perfect and I had all wonderful things ahead of us. At the time I was in college and I was making motherhood work. My grandmother babysat for me and I went to classes. My son was truly loved, things were really easy. Then I made a mistake, I moved with my father and the real stress of being a single mother became real.

I did not realize that the depression that I have suffered with since I was 15 years old would be a major problem. I was truly alone with a toddler that I was unable to truly care for because I truly couldn’t care for myself. I was working on my Bachelor’s degree and my grades suffered too. There are more to this story, but I am unable to access those memories. Another long story for another day.

I did graduate with my degree in Psychology and attempted to find a job. I thought that with this education I could have jobs dropped at my feet and I could make a great life for me and my son. Still the depression lingered in the background. Everything I tried crashed and burned into disaster. I went from job to job and I was not using my degree. All this time I was trying to raise this beautiful boy, I love him and I wanted him to be OK. As far as I knew he was OK. The one thing I had was the really great people supporting me, family and friends.

Skip forward 5 years, I’m pregnant with my second child. I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my next child. My son and I were homeless and ended up at a shelter. As luck had it I was able to stay at the shelter for a year + and had my daughter while we were living there. I went to the hospital alone, had my daughter alone and went back to the shelter alone. After the year was over, I moved me and the children to the HUD housing and in comes daddy. I tried to keep the children safe and worked to keep a roof over our heads between the abuse. Then 17 months after my 1st daughter comes my 3rd child and she was 2 months early. She spent 15 days in the hospital, but she was strong and beautiful. Again I went to the hospital alone, had her alone and spent everyday at the hospital while she was in there.

There is so much more to all of that story, but I truly am not strong enough to talk about it. All I really want to express is that I really tried to be a good mother. I found out that the girl’s father was abusing my son when I had to go to the school because my son told the Counselor that he would rather be dead than to go home. He was 8 years old. I went home and told the “man” to get out or I was going to cut him up into little pieces. I told him the cops were coming and if he didn’t leave now he was going to be in pieces. He tried to get in my face, I smiled walked in the kitchen, pulled out a knife and walked up to him and said, Go for it!!! I had to hospitalize my son. Jesus that was one of the worst things I ever had to do.

After that things began to improve, but not totally. It was a slow progression. In 2000 we moved to North of the River, everything seemed to become better. The bad shit that happened was when we were in the city. I was under the impression that I tried to care for my children the best I could. I have been told I was a “Monster” mother. I get that because I was suffering with PTSD, and Lord knows I tried counseling, working lots of hours, drugs and I was not much for alcohol, but I would get blackout drunk once and a while.

This is all I knew, I thought the kids were happy. I thought we had survived the worst and came out of it closer. I guess I am wrong.

My son and I have talked over the shit that happened in our lives and he has forgiven me and understands why things happened. It doesn’t give me a free pass, but my son believes that the past is over and we move on. He told me he would never change any part of me and that it has made me who I am now. “Better!”

My youngest daughter and I have had a rocky relationship, but she is always good to me. She was the spoiled baby. She got ice cream with me when her siblings were in school and she was too small to go to school. As she got older she went her own way and I had to allow her to be her own person. I could not interfere because she was an adult. As time has gone on I have always been close with her because we look at life pretty much the same way. Right now I don’t like the person she is with and I let her know that so now it is up to her if she wants me in her life.

My biggest issue is my 1st daughter, she hates me for her life. She blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life. She is going to be 29 years old this year and all we do is fight. I love her, but I hate her and my heart is broken. I have no idea what I did to ruin her life. We can’t even have a conversation without fighting.

I’m the mother, I gave birth to these children, I busted my ass for them. I want to be respected as a mother. I want my children in my life, but choices they have made has made it hard for me to sit by and watch them making poor choices. It is not my son because he has goals for his life. MY DAUGHTERS ARE FUCKING UP! So OK that is my impression but it is so hard to watch them make the same or similar mistakes I did without doing something that is not seen as interfering.

This Mother’s Day was rough because my daughters treated me like an after thought, “OOPS” I forgot you mom, but Happy Mother’s Day love you. In a text, not a phone call. Well I know they can’t call me because I blocked them from calling me because I am tired of chasing them to have a relationship with me. I have cried so much I am sick.

How am I supposed to feel? I loved them, I love them, I miss them!!! My mother says pray and give it to God to take care of and it will be OK. They are my daughters. I’m trying to give them space so they can make their own way, but I wish I could stop feeling so bad. My husband says they are adults, but as far as I am concerned they are acting like children.

I could go on and on about this, but all I am doing is beating my head against the wall. To all the mothers out there who can relate please you have my prayers!

Happy Mother’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lunatic Fringe Forever……………

 

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