Worth is defined as the value equivalent to that of someone or something under consideration; the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated.
This theme has been creeping into my life in one way or another daily for at least the last week. I have been told that I am worthy of good things, being happy and of joy. The thing is what does worthy look like? I guess I have spent a lot of my life settling for the things in my life. When it’s good it’s great and when it’s bad I guess that is what I deserved. OK, so that is vague, but I am not sure how to explain it.
I look at the definition and I don’t get “WHO” establishes the “Value” of person, place or thing. I can’t even wrap my head around this concept. I know that I have value and I am good with who I am, but there are times when I am not feeling worthy. Those of us who are the “Lunatic Fringe” battle with this concept. I know that I can move through the whole spectrum of emotions in a day. There are days when I am so low that I can’t get out of bed. My worthiness is in question. I try to use the skills I learned in counseling and they work, but sometimes I am in a mood that I could care less.
I try not to speak for others but I know that there are people who experience the same shame I do. We all have our own stories to tell as it refers to our lives living with Mental Illness. Worth can be a big thing due to the fact that I know I feel that I am not worthy of good things because of the things that has happened in my life. I spent a lot of time listening to my father tell me I wasn’t good enough or that I needed to be like my older sister who got straight A’s. I resented my sister for along time until I realized that it is not her fault, my father had certain expectations. That voice in the back of your mind that tells you that you fail because you are a failure.
Now I don’t dwell on the shit I did, said or the things I had no control over. I have worked truly hard to take control of my situation as it refers to my Mental Illness. I am worthy of happiness, joy and love. There are so many things I could say about worthiness, but is one things each of us have to find it in ourselves. I could ramble on about the things that made me question my worthiness, but I am not really ready to talk about some of the ugly things that shadow my past. I haven’t even truly dealt with it myself.
I guess I just want to express that all are worthy and we need to find our worth. How ever that may look for you. It is not the “OTHER” who decides a person’s worth it is “ME” who decides a person’s worth. We control our own worthiness and how others see the worth we show. Allow yourself to be worthy because you are, the inherit value in each of us!!!!
Lunatic Fringe Forever!!!