It Doesn’t Really Matter

I was up early this morning, like most mornings and I watched the news to see the weather report. Possible rain! WooHoo! I have gotten into coloring, yes, but it is “adult” coloring books. Like it matters. This just another way for me to procrastinate life, does it really matter? I have been trying for the last few months to rearrange my craft room so it would be more efficient so I can use the room rather than having my crafts all over the living room. It doesn’t really matter, my husband knows I will clean it up when I’m done.

Ya know have you ever felt that it doesn’t really matter? I know that I would never leave my house if I didn’t need to. I don’t care, it doesn’t really matter, no one comes out to check if I am OK or not. My phone is so quiet that it is pounding on my ears. It doesn’t really matter. I have lots of plans for chores so I have things to fill my time and I have spent most of the day cleaning and rearranging and it seems as though I have an endless amount of stuff that needs to be put some where. It doesn’t really matter.

I am not sure if I am feeling sorry for myself or if it is just a regular day.  I am not sure that anything I do is worthy of honorable mention or not. Does it really matter to anyone that I have all these questions about anything and everything? Does anyone care? It doesn’t really matter. I know that I have read these words more than once and I try to look at it from an outsider looking in, you know more “clinical” and on one hand it says that it doesn’t matter what others think it is only important what I believe so that is a good thing. On the other hand, it is a cry for help. It is not that “it” doesn’t matter, it’s “I” don’t matter. Nothing I do matters.

It is hard to roam around in my head knowing how distorted my thoughts can be and knowing that I have learned ways to navigate through the negative. That sounds good, “Navigate through the Negative,” (trademark ME). Going to have to use that in my book. HAHAHAHA!!!!! It is true, I have the tools to help me be happy, but sometimes it’s hard to see past the shit to remember my worth. I just get tired of the struggle. It seems I am fighting for my life everyday is a new more challenging challenge.  The expectation is that I fight, but I am all out of fight. “It doesn’t really Matter.”

So deep breath to face the day and know that there are so many things on my to do list. I will check them off as I accomplish the task, try to pat myself on the back for a job well done and distract myself so the chaos that is my brain will calm down. At the end of the day I can know that I did my best and hopefully feel satisfied with myself. Going to bed knowing that tomorrow is another day to wake up and start over.

“It Doesn’t Really Matter?”

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