The Way I See It

The way I see it is that I am seen as unappreciative to all the things my family has done for me. That I am selfish and have no regard for other people’s feelings. The way I see it is that I post on my blog only to disgrace my family.  The way I see it is that no matter how better I get I will never be seen as anything other then my illness. Did the whole perspective thing before this. “It is your perception!” I hate those words! Mainly because I perceive that I am not like the rest of my family.

That relates back to feeling like a misfit. However, can’t say that because it offends people. I got tired of the disclaimers because I figured whoever was reading the blog was adults and would consider that this is “MY WORDS.” If there was guilt involved as I am told, get over it. I was asked why I felt like that and it is a feeling, you know when you walk outside with no coat on in the winter and you are cold, feeling. I do remember sitting around the dining room table eating with my family and we were all talking and laughing. All my friends always wanted to be at my house not sure why, but we had fun. Then it changed, I know everyone is older, we all have our own families, but it is different. There is something I can’t correctly explain. It’s like being at a party and you don’t know anyone, you have been introduced, but there is no connection.

The way I see it is there is no connection. We are related, but there is no real connection. The way I see it is that if something happened to me no one would care enough to check on me. That is extreme, I know, but is that what it would take? I can say truly I spend more time alone than anyone I know. That is not to say I don’t like my alone time, but it would be nice if I got a call from time to time. That was before I changed my phone number because I don’t want a call now. Got tired of being the cause of drama even when it wasn’t my fault.

The way I see it is that nothing will change even if I try to apologize. My husband says everybody wants to be right and no one will budge. Yup, not budging, I will choke on it before I say I am sorry again. The way I see it I will go to my grave feeling as though I have no children, and some of my family will never speak to me again. I’m OK with that because I chose to stay on my side of town and I guess that is where I will stay.

Why do I feel this way? The way I see it is a feeling. It is abstract, there is no real connection to any of the immediate family. I have more connection to strangers than I do with my own family. Why? I am not like them. I am not logical, rational, stable, responsible. I feel! I cry! I am kind! And most of all I really don’t know them.  The way I see it is ever since our father died and our mother is now old and sick, we have nothing in common. That is not good or bad, it just is. The way I see it once mother passes away there will never be family holiday meals, picnics or parties, we will all go our separate ways and that will be that. The way I see it is why prolong the agony? The way I see it is if I feel no connection now how will that change in the future?

The way I see it is grieving my loses now so later it won’t be so hard. The way I see it is that I am being proactive. The way I see it I am dealing with loss in a healthy way. The way I see it is that I am letting go of the negative and trying to work toward more positive things in my life. The way I see it is that no matter what I say or what I do I am always going to be seen as wrong and that I need to “get with the program.” “Call my therapist,” “Talk to my caseworker,” Why because I am the one with the problem.

The way I see it is that I will never think like you! The way I see it is that I will always be seen as dramatic. The way I see it I will never be seen as healthy. The way I see it there is no way for me to ever change things. The way I see it I am better off not trying. The way I see it I will never be able to make anyone understand that I can’t explain anything properly to make them understand what I feel and why.

And mostly, The way I see it is no one truly reads these words without their own perspective, perception, point of view and judgement. So the way I see it is I am doomed to be misunderstood.