I will never think like you

I have come to the conclusion that I am always going to be different. One of the concepts that continually comes up is perception. OK, what is perception: “the ability to see, hear or become aware of something through the senses. A state of being or process of becoming aware of something through the senses. A way of regarding, understanding or interpreting, a mental impression. The neuro-physiological processes, including memory, by which an organism becomes aware of and interprets external stimuli.”

So it is all in the interpretation of what is seen, heard, tasted, smelled and touched. And/or any of those, but what about the abstract? The emotions that go along with the words or actions. Is it the perception or the perspective. “Perspective is a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something: point of view.”  Another aspect of perspective is “true understanding of the relative importance of things.” And in that statement perspective can be seen as a judgement because each individual has their own idea of what is important to them. It goes along with the attitude one has toward something. So what is important to me may not be as important to someone else and that is why there are fights, especially when NEITHER person is listening. Everybody wants to be RIGHT. That is important.

I’m so confused most of the time, I am not sure what I think about stuff.  I know I love my children, my husband and my family. I have very close friends I consider as family and love them very much. I know I would do anything for these people, as long as it is legal and will not harm anyone. I know that I believe in God and know He is my strength and salvation. I know that I have lost a lot of my past memories due to trauma, my brain has shut down that area so to protect me from the ugly. I know that I have mental and physical disabilities that limit some things for me, but I try to use the skills I learned in therapy to overcome depression.

As I have said in the past these are not excuses, I truly wish I could remember some things. It’s hard to look through old pictures and know I see myself and have no recall of anything. It’s like looking at someone else’s life. I just can’t remember.

I am passionate when it comes to my emotions, my children and the things I want to help change. I have been accused of being a drama queen, which is hurtful. I am not trying to be dramatic, I am trying to be present in the moment, show how intensely important something is to me. I may not be logical, rational at times, but that is not dramatic, it is pure emotion. I am not afraid of showing my true self even if I cry, scream, get upset or even hurt and offended. When I am happy I smile and laugh. Is that dramatic?

There is a song by Supertramp, “The Logical Song,” It say: When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees, well they’d be singing so happily, joyfully, playfully, watching me
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical

And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable, clinical, intellectual, cynical
There are times when all the world’s asleep
The questions run too deep for such a simple man
Won’t you please, please tell me what we’ve learned
I know it sounds absurd but please tell me who I am

I said now, watch what you say, now we’re calling you a radical, a liberal, fanatical, criminal
Won’t you sign up your name, we’d like to feel you’re acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable

But at night, when all the world’s asleep
The questions run so deep for such a simple man
Won’t you please (Won’t you tell me), (You can tell me what) please tell me what we’ve learned (Can you hear me?)
I know it sounds absurd, (Won’t you help me) please tell me who I am, who I am, who I am, who I am

I guess I am a child, life is magical to me. I believe in the goodness of people and that there are so many reasons to be joyful. I will never think like you, I am not logical, sensible. Unfeeling, distant, I don’t know how to do that. In my world there are hugs and kisses, smiles and laughter. People listen and hear, not assume meanings, they ask questions to clarify. There is a flow of ideas and there is no judgement. Sounds pretty good right. I like the dream too. And I still will never think like you…..

Lunatic Fringe Forever