To Be or Not To Be

Suicide

The deliberate taking of one’s own life.

Under Common Law, suicide, or the intentional taking of one’s own life, was a felony that was punished by Forfeiture of all the goods and chattels of the offender. Under modern U.S. law, suicide is no longer a crime. Some states, however, classify attempted suicide as a criminal act, but prosecutions are rare, especially when the offender is terminally ill. Instead, some jurisdictions require a person who attempts suicide to undergo temporary hospitalization and psychological observation.

To be or not to be? I was always curious why it is so important to be and why not to be is seen as wrong.  Why is suicide seen as a crime or at least some kind of failure. Is it so wrong to want to stop living? How is it determined that a person has to live? Where is it written that life is so grand that a person MUST stay alive? Who makes the rules?

I am asking mainly because each time I attempted to kill myself I was handcuffed and taken off to the crazy-house so they could counsel me to want to live. How do they know that is what I wanted? I am not even sure I want it now.  Considering the shit I went through when I was being taken to the hospital or even just being taken to the emergency room for evaluation, that was traumatic enough. Not only was I wanting to die, I had to answer questions from an interrogator. NO, there was no compassion just contempt or they looked down their nose at me. I think the most degrading thing was having to take off my clothes and put on paper scrubs. Picture this; I just got picked up from my home, crying desperately because all I want to do is die, I am handcuffed, placed in an ambulance and taken to the hospital where it seems as though big eye roll “another” suicide attempter!! So I’m crying keeping MY clothes on saying I want to wear my clothes. The nurse says no you can’t and goes and gets the security guard. OK. The security guard asks if there is a problem I say no I want to keep my clothes. Then he says is there going to be a problem and do I have to wrestle to get your clothes.  Wait a minute, I am scared, ALONE, wanting to die, the only thing I have is my clothes, but because of “policy” I have to give them up.

They got my clothes.

Do you really believe that people want to go through that?

I know why dying sounds really good, I have a list:

  1. I live with physical pain every day
  2. I take medication for being crazy and for the pain(I hate taking pills)
  3. the medication makes me gain weight so I am Obese (I’m FAT)
  4. I am disabled
  5. I’m tired
  6. I am only seen as my illness Borderline Personality Disorder
  7. I’m poor
  8. My children are ungrateful
  9. I am fighting with my mother
  10. And I could go on, but it is getting petty

Since there has been a rise in suicides most of the local TV news channels have been putting out campaigns for suicide prevention. Is it answering the questions? Is it making a difference? Why is death so taboo? Not everyone can be happy. Sometimes the struggle in this life is not just one. That saying that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”

Bullshit, I call Bullshit. Give me a good reason to be.

John I already told you that it’s you and me and I am not going to do anything bad I promise!!! I am just sharing my thoughts and feelings!!!

All the things I heard when I was in the hospital for the mandatory 96 hour holds were that you had to have HOPE! Well my hope has flown away with my joy and peace. I am hoped out. I guess I hoped too much and it couldn’t handle it. The hope door closed and no window opened. So why do I want to live?

I have tried to stop watching the news because there is no good news. Someone was killed, raped, there is a war, the government has done something or some politician is running for something and his opponent is bad-mouthing them in commercials. No one is kind. We no longer speak face to face to one another. Text me. There is very limited human contact anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing so abuse cases will go down. Now it’s bullying. Or our children have to worry that a gunman will shoot up the school. Can’t go to the movies without knowing where the exits are in case a gunman shoots a movie theater. So why do I want to live?

I worked really hard for 13 months of therapy to be Felicia Hall, not Borderline Personality Disorder. And I don’t give a fuck if anyone thinks I’m still sick. I’m not. Why do I want to live, because I have a hell of a lot of people to piss off!!!! I also promised myself that this blog was for all the Crazy people out there struggling with the stereo-type of mental illness. WE ARE NOT SICK WE ARE CRAZY!!!

Lunatic Fringe Forever!

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