“I’m Done.”

This is one of those statements that people may use when they have had enough of anything. I personally use it when I am at my wits end. Meaning that I have had enough of trying to please people, trying to make someone understand something or when arguing with someone has gotten to the point where one of us is being louder.

So why am I done? Well, again I have offended someone. Or more specifically, I am wrong. I betrayed a confidence.  I have realized that I again have screwed up my relationship with my children.

I grew up respecting my parents because they made me respect them. Even when my father was mean and cruel, I respected him. I didn’t have a choice. My mother will say that we were given opportunities to be individuals. In some cases that is true and I have a great relationship with my mother. My father was an ogre, his word was law and no one went against his word. In his home no one has a mental illness. My mother saved me. She got me into therapy when I was in my teens. A psychiatrist diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. Many times I was having to defend myself to him because I was depressed, acting out or fighting back. My father was conditional, he loved you as long as you were following his expectations. I was defiant.

The mistake I made was trying to be a parent that gave structure and discipline and a parent that gave everything. I overcompensated for the abusive relationship I was in and the kids were neglected. The joke was that my kids thrived on neglect, like my house plants. I know that I loved them so much and I made sure I attended every school program, parent teacher meeting, and I worked to give them fun. Having Halloweens that were fun for them and their friends. What did I do wrong. I know that perceptions are everything. My perceptions are flawed. I believed in my heart that I did everything a mother should do to provide for her children.

I’m done because I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of trying to fix it. It seems as though no matter what I do it’s not good enough. Again BooHoo me. I have had enough of being told that I was so awful and that I have to give my children time to mature because they can’t let go of the past.

I’m done putting disclaimers on my writing so to warn people that it may be offensive or hurt feelings. Too bad at this point. I done walking on eggshells to consider who may get hurt by what I say or feel. NO ONE takes into consideration my feelings when their words or actions are hurtful to me. I have to be the bigger person and move on. This is me moving on.

Here is the truth: All I ever wanted is to die. I gave life to three beautiful children and I knew that if I could at least get them grown to 18 years old I could die. Boy was I wrong! Now as my sins are haunting me, dying or moving away sounds really good. I realize that I am not needed and that I am an anchor for my children.  I’m done trying.

After this post I’m done talking about it and in fact as my father believed, “If my children want a relationship with me, they will come to me.” I absolutely refuse to chase after my children. If I was as important to them as they are to me everything would be beautiful. I have tried and failed. How many times do I kick a dead horse? Before I realize it’s dead. Time for a funeral.

Yes I am sad and I’m crying because again my heart is broke. And again it won’t soften the hearts of my children. I’m Done! This time it’s me closing the door and grieving my loss. Time to move on. To my children Good Journey to where ever life takes you. Thank God we come from a big family because losing me won’t be so hard since there are others that can take my place. And since that is already true I am not missed now. I guess it never mattered that I was here anyway.  No guilt just realizing truth.

Please be kind and don’t lie, truth is I never mattered. Especially after all we have lived through. You know what is really bad, the girls give more respect to their father than they do me. WOW!

I’m Done!!!!

 

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