Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships. Borderline personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood. The condition seems to be worse in young adulthood and may gradually get better with age. If you have borderline personality disorder, don’t get discouraged. Many people with this disorder get better over time with treatment and can learn to live satisfying lives.

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was in my teens. At that time it was a catch all kind of diagnosis, but the symptoms were spot on concerning my behavior. On top of this I had major depression. Angry and sad, perfect! I spent more time sabotaging myself than enjoying my life. I truly believed I was OK, but that was my brain accommodating for the chemical imbalance. I was a mess.

I spent my life running, I never seemed to be stable. I got pregnant at 18years old and justified it by saying I had wanted to be a single parent. I have no regrets, but I know at that time in my life I was not mature enough to be a parent. I did go to parenting classes because I knew I was not prepared. Now I have a wonderful son and I am very proud of him. We went through some really ugly times, but on this side of the chaos we are OK.

The description of what BPD looks like an accurate description of what I deal with daily with physical problems such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and arthritis. If you ask my doctor I am over weight, lots. Up until 9years ago I had several destructive relationships. I realize that I was looking for someone to love me and I was willing to put up with a lot of hurt to have it. I sacrificed myself and my children to have someone in my life.

My anger was unpredictable and I know that my children feared me when I had an outburst. It was always a blind rage. Things got destroyed and then when I got calmed down it was time to clean up. I lived with such guilt and shame for the ugly person I was. I scared myself.

As I write this I am having lots of problems staying focused. I am not feeling strong enough to finish. I know that I am a different person now, but as I write I remember the ugly shit I did and how I acted and how I hurt my children. In fact I am sick to my stomach. I will finish this, but not today. The examples of my BPD diagnosis are 15+ years long. There were many times I was truly classic. I know that I am getting healthier every day. I just am not strong enough to look back right now.

People will tell me not to focus on the past, but the reason I am writing is so “Normal” people can become more Mental Health Aware. Especially described by someone who lived it! Pray for me. I want to be able to take this next step in my growth and development.

Lunatic Fringe Forever!!!

 

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