Chaos

Disclaimer: This is not an excuse by any means.

Chaos is the workings in my brain. Being in my head is like being in a Fun house where there is a maze of different rooms. Sometimes there are no floors and falling is a breathless sensation. Morning can be the worst, I am bumping into walls and I am foggy brained. It takes me at least a hour to clear the fog.

The chaos is not just the fog, it comes in flashbacks, smells that trigger memories, hearing a song that reminds me of the shit that happened in the past or like the other day I was driving home from town reliving a bad episode in my life. I felt my skin crawling and the sensations of sick in my stomach. It has been years since those things happened and I can feel it. I have medication to help me keep me balanced so that I can use the tools I learned in counseling; however, there are times the memories can be really disruptive. Sometimes it’s hard to defend against them. I don’t call them demons because that is not the name of the chaos. It can be like a riot going off in my head, no I don’t hear voices!!! I have PTSD from an abusive relationship, being beaten and raped for five plus years has a way of taking a toll on your psyche. The chaos has a way of creeping into the zen that I am desperately trying to achieve in my brain. .

I hate talking about the ugly that I stated above because I want it to have NO power over me. I started caring for myself the day I walked out of the hospital 5 years ago. I worked with my doctor to find the right medication that would assist me in balancing my chemical imbalance, I got into counseling that truly changed my life and I made a commitment to myself to become healthy.

Even with all those improvements the chaos is able to slip in and F&*% things up!!! As I said this is not an excuse for a person’s behavior. We as “Crazy” have a responsibility to attempt to stop the chaos from getting out of hand. That sounds great, but it is truly a fight. If you have never had REALLY intense emotion, you will not be able to relate to this. Sadness is not just crying, it’s heaving tears. Your whole body is shaking, trembling with screams mixed in. Anger is Rage that will make my head explode. I get tired and want to sleep for days and not want to talk to anyone. It’s WOW!!!

I know that I don’t want to excuse my behavior, I want to understand it. I am an educated woman and in some way I want logic to dictate. That won’t happen, so I know that I have to take responsibility for my actions. I know that I have to work really hard to stop myself before I say or do something truly stupid.

I lost my mind a little while ago and now thank God I am being forgiven. The lesson learned is that I have progressed to a point where I am winning over the chaos, it is not taking me weeks to recover and I can trust and believe in my goodness.

This is not to say it may not happen that I lose my mind to intense emotion again, but the hope is there that I can handle it better!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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