Misfit

I have realized that I don’t fit in. I have had a realization that I don’t belong. It was explained to me that I am treated differently and that it is apparent by the observations of someone who is an outsider looking in.

I believed I was feeling wrong when I expressed feelings that I didn’t belong to my family. I have always been the odd man out, not really feeling connected to any of my siblings and believing that I had a unique relationship with my mother. WRONG!

I guess that I have been deceived or at the very least conned. I have tried really hard to fit in, to the point of making myself sick. Seeing in the faces of people who say they love me that there is only a dismissive acceptance, “Yeah, that’s Felicia, she is the crazy sister, daughter.” Why do I feel this, how about the fact that I get no eye contact when talking to these people. The only time I am taken seriously is when I am not around.

I would cry about how my husband would take me for granted and be told how bad that was, but the same people listening to me cry are now the ones doing the same thing. I already am insecure that I don’t belong anywhere then those feelings are reinforced like an earthquake. Now with these words, I will be seen as dramatic. I can’t do anything right.

It is not OK to change the rules. It is not OK to accept the exclusion of anyone. I thought that I was part of a family that made all welcome, I guess I need to be a stranger because they get treated with more respect.

Yes, one little misunderstanding has caused a full variety of emotions to come to the surface along with the insecurities that had already existed. It’s a BIG JOKE that I was a bad mother or that I have anger issues or I am loud or I have a mental illness. Oh yeah a joke. It feels so good to have to suck down the hurt and shame I have felt for so long because it’s a joke. To have your son tell you that you are not really his mother even when I have been trying so hard to mend our relationship. Oh but that was a joke, at my expense. “No, Felicia, watch what you say, don’t tell your sisters, be nice, don’t talk about the truth.”

It will come down to one reality, it will be my fault for my dysfunction because I am the one who misunderstood. No one else can make me feel bad unless I let them. But how do you let someone know that they told you one thing in the morning and then the story changed in the afternoon. But that is my bad because I was offended by being forgotten and didn’t want to invite myself. OK so the situation will be blown out of proportion because I am so dramatic and it is my issue of course. I am the JOKE! It is so funny that I get so sensitive.

It wouldn’t be such a big issue if this was a one time thing, it seems to happen on a regular basis. Every time I am at a “Family” event I feel as though I am not welcome or that I am with a bunch of strangers. I don’t remember ever accepting the label of black sheep, but I always did my own thing feeling confident in my decisions. Now that I am older and I want to be with family it’s like being on a road where you can see the end but as you think you are getting closer the road continues to get longer.

I am a misfit, I don’t fit in, but I don’t want to fit in if it means that my life is so busy that I have no time to enjoy my life or that it means I am so self-absorbed that I can’t see that I said or did something to hurt anyone.  I know that I am better off leaving my opinions to myself because no one wants to hear that they are wrong and the usual response is all is turned around so in the end I will be wrong anyway. Again, can’t win. I can’t even finish the race.

“I am not anyone’s first choice. I’m not anyone’s favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I’m special to them, but I know there’s someone they will always choose over me.”