A Reality for a Crazy Person

I went to the hospital on September 13th 2014, I had my last meltdown that day. I was taken to the ER by the police. I never did go voluntarily because I was mad. When I got there I am told that I had to give up my clothes. (“It was policy”)!  I am in a crisis situation, I’m crying, sad, sitting in a room with a male nurse who was any avoiding eye contact telling me to take off MY clothes, my last thing in this world that’s mine, all I had was my clothes. It was bad enough being in the ER for the reason I was there and the only security I felt I had left was my clothes.  Don’t get me wrong I know that I needed to be there…NOW, but at the time I was upset and alone all I wanted was my dignity.  I had no underwear, no bra just my hoodie, sweat pants and fuzzy socks. I was wearing my protection my security and this asshole didn’t get it. So of course since I was being “uncooperative” the security had to be called and of course I was told “we can do this the easy way or the hard way” being told this by a very tall very strong African American security guard. Can we say “intimidation” which in crazy terms means I was either going to put on the paper scrubs or be physically helped to put them on. They got my clothes and told it was for my protection. My protection, I am being watched the whole time I am there because I am a threat to myself so I would not be able to use the string from my hoodie to hang myself and naked was not an option. Did you ever feel like you were in a really bad episode of the Twilight Zone, telling someone you want to shoot yourself in the face. HAHAHAHAHA, laughing inappropriately, answering the voices in your head, which reminds me, I was driving to the therapist’s office and “Lunatic Fringe” came on the radio and I don’t believe in coincidences. YA think? I got distracted, the experience in the ER is so, not only did I feel completely alone and scared really wanting to be dead, I am now being raped of my dignity and my security.

I now understand that trying to help someone in distress is hard, but traumatizing is not the answer. Making me feel as though I did something wrong for hurting, suffering added to my helplessness. I thought that health care workers were to do no harm.

I hope no one has ever had to feel this, already feeling as though there are no options and wanting to die is bad enough. Having someone adding to the sadness had to stop. I want to scream loud. YES I WANT TO DIE, BUT I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!

I want to live out of the sadness and I want someone to treat me with dignity, please don’t traumatize me, don’t judge me HELP ME PLEASE!!

Ultimately, I hope that sharing my words will start the conversation to new “POLICIES” in handling suicidal patients individually case by case with some compassion and fake it if you have to that you care about the patient and you want to help. If you can’t find someone that can.

WE WANT TO LIVE WE JUST DON’T KNOW HOW SOMETIMES!!!

 

One thought on “A Reality for a Crazy Person

  1. Felicia, You are one of the strongest and bravest human beings I have ever known. I admire you each and every day. Our roads crossed all those years ago to bring us to this exact time and space right now. I APPLAUDE you!!

    Like

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